Songs to listen to:
"Safe" Petit Biscuit.
"Turn The World Into A Dancefloor" Armin Van Buuren.
"Dream" Imagine Dragons.
"Sorry" Alan Walker & ISKA.
"Alive" RUFUS DU SOL.
"Ivy" (Throwing Snow Remix) Tusks.
“I can’t describe the intense amount of love felt when two people believe that no matter what, they’ll take on the good, the bad and the ugly of the person they love. There’s absolutely nothing in the world that could break that mindset. No matter how bad a person or person’s situation in life is.”
When we come from a bad place or bad experience, we often really grasp onto the first good situation we believe is truly good for us, because we feel like the luckiest person in the entire world to have met what we believe is a good thing. Why do we do the things we do? Why do we believe there’s a certain time to accomplish certain predisposition goals that have been set for us without us even questioning these goals in life and whether they are truly relevant to one’s actual existence?
Think about your relationship. Are you happy? Could you be happier? Has the time with your spouse ran dry? Have you been trying to make things work when they just aren’t working? Are you forcing yourself to stay and rekindle a flame with someone when in reality you could find someone else that’s more on your level in life and requires far less work and pain? Do you believe that it doesn’t exist or are you afraid you’ll endure a lonely life if you try searching for a more compatible relationship?
I don’t believe relationships should have any physical, emotional or mental abuse whatsoever and when the fire has burned away there’s simply no reason to force something that’s not there for the sake of pleasing society, family and friends. This is a myth. No human should ever endure the path of needing to work on anything that’s no longer serving them. The universe doesn’t have earthly commitments, it’s a human desire to own another person in their life and share life with responsibilities, but by no means should you ever stay with another human when the world is quite literally full of options more compatible for you.”
I’m so tired. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what I’m still doing here. I feel this constant push and pull. The push is outgrowing the pull. I’m tired of the way he treats me. I’m more than what he wants me to be. He’s painted this picture who he’d like me to be and has shunned the person I am, want to be and my greatest desires in life. I didn’t know love was supposed to feel this? Why is this ok? Who makes up the idea of what a relationship should be and look like and how much pain and suffering I should put myself through.
I’m walking on eggshells constantly. Careful what to say, careful what to do, careful doing things by myself, careful of picking friends and excluding all male friends, they are just not allowed. What am I doing wrong? I’m withering away emotionally, tapping out with each passing day. I’m detaching myself from this relationship, but I’m afraid, even though I have no idea of what exactly I’m afraid of.
I bought something sexy today. It looked incredibly beautiful on me. I bought it for me, because why not, I deserve something that’s just for me and not just for someone else all the time. I bought it, but I don’t want to wear it in front of him. I don’t want him to think it’s for him. I don’t want to hear him degrade any of my body parts he doesn’t like. I don’t want him to make me feel ugly.
He hates me, but why? Everyone else tells me I’m so great, I’m beautiful and smiley, but he loves when I’m down on myself. He loves when I’m not confident. He loves that he can feel superior over me. I’m not his equal, I’m just a burden and I’m starting to believe I’m a burden to myself. This can’t be all there is, is there? I was told to “keep working on it,” that “every relationship isn’t perfect and there are going to be plenty of ugly days,” but why? Why do we normalize being unhappy and just pushing through problems like we are trying to win a competition in life? What are we staying for exactly? What is the “exactly” part? Is this a job where we force ourselves to stay at our jobs even though they make us miserable, all to pay bills? They force us to work at the same job in order to collect retirement. Imagine that, working until your 65 at one job. No diversity, no change, just stuck working at one place until you hit retirement.
I don’t feel free. I feel trapped. The inner child is trapped and buried inside. Trapped from childhood trauma, trapped from toxic relationships I never knew better with what I truly deserved in life. I was made to believe that what I endured was and is normal.
He yells at me, breaks things, degrades me and then flips a switch and tells me he loves me and makes love to me. I’m so sick inside. I’m dying every single day that I force myself to stay. I can see I’m turning into the person HE wants me to be and everyone hopes I’ll be sticking by in this relationship. I can’t do it. I’ve mentally checked out. I’m checking out. I’m worthy of a beautiful soul. I’m worthy of a love so great I’ll have to pinch myself that it truly exists. I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. My feet hurt. They bleed through deep wounds that have been repeatedly cut through. I cry so much. I grab my chest and ask the universe why? What is my lesson? What can I do to gain the strength to leave? What can I do to heal? Who will ever love me again? For I am broken into pieces that can’t be put back together. Who will want a broken butterfly? Even if I heal I bare the scars of a battle lost at war.
My soul cries out for someone else. My soul yearns for a man on tainted waters. My soul cries out for a man that’s divine, kind, confident and beautiful towards people. His smile illuminates the path he walks on. He is sweet and when we are near each other our souls go crazy and dance wildly like children together. We are enchanted with one another. Something I never knew existed. I never knew this was possible. He’s been healing my wounds without having to lift a finger. His presence brings my soul great joy. He’s inevitably won me over without trying, but he’ll never know, because I’m too fearful he’ll reject my love for him and fearful he’ll hurt me, even though my soul tells me he would never, my mind tells me otherwise. It’s not a risk I am willing to take, even with all the pain I’m allowing myself to endure, because I’m more fearful to leave than to follow my heart, uncertain I can even make my own decisions when they have always been made for me. Will I ever be worthy of such fantasies I dream about?
I try so hard to push through the pain. I pretend I am happy and that I can do this. I try to endure a path that the universe has reminded me over and over again that is no longer meant for me. When will the room stop spinning? When will I smile out of sheer happiness again? When will I look over and be like “this was the very best decision I’ve ever made for myself, just look at my growth, I’m glowing.” When will the triggers stop? When will the wounds heal? When will I have the courage to leave? When will I feel happy. When will we both let go and let be?
I yearn for a love that only the universe knows can touch the deepest parts of what exist within me and that even I don’t understand yet. A kind of love that reaches for me when I’m falling behind. A kind of love that heals the wounds I endure throughout life. A kind of love that brings joy to my inner child. A kind of love that is ready to adventure on a path that no one else was willing to explore, because fear kept them from freeing themselves of thinking for themselves. I want to drip in a wetness that overcomes my body with every touch from my lover. I want to physically tremble with excitement in the presence of my love. I want to laugh more and only cry for the sheer joy of things. I want to be sexually illuminated and dominated by the love of my life.
What am I missing right now? What are we missing right now? What is the ultimate purpose to stay in a situation that’s completely unhealthy in ways that bring one’s self in complete hibernation mode until life is over? Where’s the love and why walk a path that’s not fulfilling spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally? Why would we endure any amount of pain that exceeds the tiny bits of fragments it would take to get to know someone? What is more important on all of Earth’s crust to continue walking a path that’s no longer for us to walk? Why are we so egotistical that we actually believe we are meant to go through a certain amount of pain and torture and deem it completely normal that there’s pain made to be felt in a relationship? Who woke up one day and said this is normal and to keep pushing forward because MAYBE one day it’ll be great?
Every bit of a forced idea of what a relationship looks like, and what is considered normal just has me questioning people’s sanity all together. Are we in desperate need of control, that we convince other people it’s normal to be unhappy in a relationship and to work through the pain and sadness felt? Why?
I want to run far away. I’m beyond damaged from all the lies I’ve been told, from all the pain felt, from all the heartache I’ve endured because I was told to suck it up and that it is normal. If this is normal for humans, I’d rather be single for the rest of my life, than to endure any amount of pain felt and feeling incredibly worthless, controlled, manipulated and my life being orchestrated for me. Surely there’s truly something else better for us? Surely the more we learn, the more we grow, the more we love ourselves and find our worth, that we deserve someone who brings us great joy in life.
I wonder who would be watching us if they could. What would they say to you for the way you treat me? What would they do to you? What advice would they give to me or to you? Would they tell me to leave you? Would they find your reactions to certain discussions repulsive? Would they fight you after hearing you yell at me? Would they want to rescue me from watching me cry silently in the shower day after day? Would they drag you out of this glass House after watching you break things when you’re angry? Would they judge your treatment as they watched how you spoke to me? Would they encourage me to leave after watching you treat me like a child?
I wish they would come in and rescue me and show me I’ve been wrong about love and there’s truly someone out there who is dying to show me the love I deserve and believe to exist. Why must I anger you so much? Why am I unlovable to you? Why am I only good enough for you when YOU want me, but I’m not good enough for your attention when I want you? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough? What am I not enough of for you? I feel helpless, broken, wounded, scared, fearful and heartbroken here.
This glass house exposes every secret ever kept behind walls. What if there was a dictator voice overheard with every scene we played out in anger telling us when we are wrong for acting a fool? Sadly, there’s not. There’s no glass house, there’s no dictator or narrator. We are left to learn every bit of life and love ourselves. We are made to push through things we are truly unhappy with. No matter how big or small your pain may be, being told to push through it is like driving a knife in an old wound and every single wound after entering similar relationships thereafter.
Set me free as I collapse into the misery felt with every passing day. Awaiting my hero to rescue me from the burning coals in this glass house. How much longer will I allow myself to be a victim in my own life? Surely this can’t be all that’s left in life? Surely there’s more? Surely there’s something that aligns me with love and peace vs pain and suffering the ego regularly displays in an everyday occurrence. Surely one human can’t possibly think that it’s ever OK to treat another human of such intelligence and superiority like their life means absolutely nothing to them.
I await my one and true love. My other half. My healer to all my trauma. A man of such divine energy and absolute certainty that I am everything and so much more that they have been looking forever for. I await the day my hero looks at me after they’ve rescued me and notices me. I await to feel equal and whole. I await to be loved, a kind of love you only read in fairytales. I await my true hero to prove me wrong that there is something far greater than what we have perceived there to be. Prove me wrong that another soul actually equally cares about mine as I do theirs. Surely there’s a divine masculine man, confident and secure in his own energy that has the power to illuminate the path of love in an entirely unheard of way.
As the rain pounds on the glass rooftop, I sit on the floor with my hands up against the glass walls, sobbing deep within the depths of my very being. I can look out at every angle, but I’m trapped. But, I see you my love, far off into the distance. I see your light on the mountaintop. It’s bright and loud. Its energy is strong and it’s demanding of me. As you make your way home to me, I know I’ll have to gain enough strength to leave or you’ll have to take me by force, for he won’t let me leave without a battle. He sucks my energy out and it leaves me too weak to defend myself. Oh my great love, I see you… I will be strong for you as I wait for your arrival. I await for our energy to collide and illuminate the entire planet as if the sun exploded. We’ll prove the humans wrong about their idea of love. We’ll prove to them that a love so raw, real, innocent and equal truly exists in a world that’s convinced WE don’t exist… They can’t keep us from each other for much longer. The magnetic pull will win and we’ll show them…
©️ 2021 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved. This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate or use its authenticity in any way.
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