Songs that inspired this story:
"Known You Before" Jason Ross & Seven Lions.
"Gravity" Channel. Ganja White Night.
"Her and the Sea" by Clann.
"In My Mind" Illenium, Excision, & Haliene.
"Higher Love" (Paul Meany) Jason Ross, Seven Lions lions.
"Them" by Yula.
"Let Go" (Fiora) by Seven Lions lions.
"Hidden" (Mona Moua) Skrux.
"Insane" Moon Holiday and Flume.
"Blood" by Illenium.
"Safe," by Petit Biscuit.
"Limitless," by Adventure Club
"A Moment Apart," by ODEZA
"Sun in Your Eyes," Above & Beyond
Let it go and let it be. Divine timing right?
I wasn’t expecting such an abrupt dismantling to my way of life or to what I thought was certain in it. Every moment in my life seemed predictable, even at the worst of times. I didn’t want it to be true at first. Confusing premonitions and visions I’ve never experienced like this before flooded my everyday thoughts.
It all started with a dream. A dream where a tall handsome man sat in a living room in a brown house we owned together or at least lived in together. We were upset with one another briefly, but the love was so intense it would confuse the situation as to why we were even upset with one another in the first place. You were there trying to help me with an apparent intense emotional breakdown in this dream. The fact we ended up out of random together in all of the universe, in this house we met up…
When I awoke, I felt this intense distraught, confusion, sadness and excitement as if everything in my entire life’s existence had made complete sense now. Why in all the universe were YOU in my dream? I don’t know you. I never batted an eye your way in any way. I never cared to know anything beyond what I was currently learning in life. I just had no interest. None.
From that very dream and every single day after, I felt a tremendous amount of love for a man I didn’t even know and experienced a mass flood of visual past life memories with him. Memories that consisted of many different time eras on earth and in the universe and also on other planets. I’ve seen us battling foreign alien creatures on other planets and there you were always by my side. We fought many battles. We were universal warriors for many lives, protecting the good parts of the universe and all that exists. We were dressed in Celestial uniforms, something you could only imagine with serving the highest of good. Battling side by side, always.
I’ve seen us on Earth during the 1700’s where men wore perukes and the women wore saque dresses. We’ve been here multiple times. You took on more roles as a soldier, because on Earth women weren’t allowed to fight battles like we were able to on other planets, so for a few lives you’ve fought without me. I’ve been there for you though, getting you through every battle and hard life the universe needs from us. We have soul duties to conquer with every life we reincarnate with. It’s a though we’ve been chosen, although I would have never believed our occurrences, visions and feelings could have ever existed until this dream.
The visions just poured in the more I became awakened. The more I let go, the more I opened up, the more I let go and let be, the more YOU flooded every molecule in my thoughts. You invaded my mental privacy and space. Everything I thought I knew about life was merely a test to what would be the most rewarding experience known to those who can connect to their true counterpart. An experience most humans will never reach, because they are STUCK living a life that has already been written for them.
From that moment on, you became familiar to me. I know you. I do. I know I know you with every ounce of my existence. I would go on to having many more dreams where you were in them or came to visit me in the higher realms. Making yourself present, checking in on me or lingering in the far distance as if to show me that you were around just to check in on me and telling me not to give up on you in another dream, “Please don’t give up on me,” you would go on to say to me as you held onto my arms gazing into my eyes. I believed whatever this strange journey is, is that it was going to be quite the ride and probably be far longer than my emotional state could handle. From that moment on, a complete stranger became the love of my life and now I yearn for your presence to make way permanently in my life one day. As a drug I’m fully addicted to you. I want to explore the depths of your body and mind and unite in union with your soul.
Every time I tell myself I’m unable to entertain the idea of you, that I shouldn’t, that is forbidden in the human world, I go through phases where I think it’s working that I’m overcoming these illusions I believe I may have created of you. There are days I try to convince myself that this doesn’t exist, that I’m delusional and my thoughts are all wrong. There’s no way that this means anything. This truly cannot be what my inner intuition wants it to be. Is this the cause of my dream or is this the cause of being incredibly disconnected to what my intuition was trying to get me to see and feel the whole time?
I laugh and cry to myself. I’m going crazy, aren’t I? This just can’t be. My visions are merely thoughts I must have created due to my amplified and new profound love for you. I’m lost for words. My human body and ego fights with my consciousness and intuition. How much longer can this tug-of-war game go on for? I’ve aged, stuck in a warping timeline of restless thoughts. Are we truly meant to be? Why do I question myself? Why do I question the answer I already know deep within me?
My days seemingly fly by, but yet go by so slow. I await every single day to see you, rushing through every moment of every day just to see your face for even the briefest moment of a day’s time. There’s simply no greater love than divine love and every time you’re within my presence I feel a rush of euphoric sensations that inevitably overwhelm me that I must walk away when you’re near. I feel completely mad for you. It’s an uncomfortable feeling I sometimes wish I wouldn’t feel anymore. It’s intense. It’s unusual. It’s incredibly confusing. My heart feels as though it’ll give out with consistent palpitations when you’re near.
If you don’t come home to me soon, I don’t know how I’ll survive after feeling this kind of feeling that I feel for you. It’s a feeling of the deepest love mixed with the intense heartbreak from uncertainty that you’ll never come home to me. I may long and love a man that’ll never feel what I feel for you and that scares me to the deepest, darkest depths of the universe. I never asked for this, but yet here you are. I may not exist to you like you exist to me. Do you ever wonder if you could be loved a love so great from someone who could show you a love you didn’t think could truly exist in your lifetime?
I too wander around wondering if I’ll ever meet my match. I’m tired of settling for a mediocre love. A love that’s not fulfilling and mysterious. I’m tired of empty promises, empty feelings and just feeling empty and drained. I give and give and give, but I’m always ran dry. Are you loved every day you wake up and every night you go to sleep? Are you loved a kind of love that is rewarding and fulfilling? Am I the only one that longs for something that I believe I can find within you? Are you happy? Are you confused? Are you tired? Are you done running yet?
Let me hug you. Let me hold you. Let me love you and show you a divine connection you won’t experience with anyone else but with me. Our love is ancient, that’s why when we are close it is almost too unbearable to be around each other. It’s many lifetimes of love. Our souls literally reach for one another as we walk by each other. They try to grab one another and when they do, this intense pull I know I feel is them trying to unite our physical bodies together.
I believe I may not meet your standards. Maybe I’m not good enough for you to take notice. Maybe you’re incredibly happy living your best life and have no interest. Maybe you find me repulsive or not educated or not young enough. Maybe I’m simply missing parts in my package you are looking for. Maybe you’ve already found your package and content with its products, or maybe you have absolutely no clue that your perfect package exists, because you’ve already settled for what you thought was good enough for you.
I imagine us being together and my soul lights up as if I was making a trip into the clouds. I envy your existence. I look up to you. I want to intertwine myself with your presence. I have this undeniable urge to care for you, to heal you, to help you, to hug you, to show you love I’m certain you have yet to experience the way you could. With me, I love so deep, so hard that it’ll penetrate every molecule of your physical and spiritual existence. I assure our vibrational match will gleam, glow and flourish as our souls merge for an intense and beautiful experience.
I imagine a higher love with you exists. I collapse at the thought of not being able to enjoy a day without seeing you. It’s dreadful. I love my life and getting to see you are those little highlights that shine in any cracks that may exist in my life. You wouldn’t need to look anywhere else, for I would be fruitful with the amount of attention I would give you and you wouldn’t need to wonder with anyone else, because my affection is contagious, you’ll crave only me. I’ll make you feel like the man and hero you desire to be for someone. I will aimlessly rub your body when your need for pain relief is needed. I will submit to you, only to rise together.
I want to break the rules with you. I want to break the stigma with you. I want to climb higher with you. I want to recreate with you. I want a revision, a breakthrough and a moment of sheer dynamite as we collide and combust into the depths of the universe within each other. Not clouded by coincidence, but rather the highlight in synchronicities that allow for the coincidence to take place. No matter what path I try to endure, the universe reluctantly wraps the path back to you. I’ve tried to walk around you, I’ve tried to walk on a new path, but you’re always an obstacle or distraction. Like a V.I.P you’re undoubtedly trapped in my consciousness with unlimited access to my innocents. I’d wish for you one day and wished for you to go away the next day, but as I battle my emotions I convince myself this doesn’t exist, so that every passing day it gets easier to believe I’m just crazy and imagining this entire encounter.
Out of every single human on earth. Out of thousands of encounters, I have never collided with an energy force such as yours. It’s odd, uncomfortable, unusual and I’m incredibly fearful of this unknown phenomenon that has occurred quite literally out of the blue and over night. I never knew such a great love existed but in fairytales. Not believing true love exists beyond what we’ve been taught and for every time we’ve settled for someone we just hope we’ll be happy with them for the rest of our lives, up until now the rest of our lives never made sense being with anyone else until you.
Every encounter in your presence are incredibly deep visions of past lives together and inevitably a strong sense of a deep comfort. I see your soul in your eyes. Your eyes speak to mine when our eyes meet. Sometimes one of us has to break eye contact or we get lost in our own world together. I feel you when you’re around, even when you’re not close to me. I can feel your thoughts. I feel the intensity and the excitement exchanged between us, even though we both “act” like we aren’t feeling anything, because we are both shy, may have other obligations and fearful of rejection.
One day we’ll dance together again, like we have in all our other lives. We conquer so much in every life together. We are a powerhouse, hence why we are partnered together every life or mostly every life given together as I gather.
As I am in the present, a song pop’s on, “Don’t Give Up On Me,” by Jason Ross. The universe is always throwing a coincidence that aligns with numbers, dreams and synchronicities all around. The irony as I wrote how you said those exact words to me in a dream, immediately following that song the song, “Afterlife,” by Illenium plays. It’s like the universe trying to repeatedly tie things together, but the anticipation for what’s to come, comes with great patience and understanding that the good things that come, come with time.
I get lost in thoughts of you. I picture us laughing together, playfully wrestling together and getting to see your bright and beautiful smile. I picture us holding each other, hugging you, taking you on grand adventures, showering you in love and kissing your soft lips. I imagine us holding hands wherever we go and cuddling with every chance we get. My thoughts and visions of us are happy, fulfilling and full of limitless love that can only be felt from the deepest depths of the Abyss.
I want you so badly that it literally brings me pain every day I get to see you, but can’t hold you. I feel lucky to see you everyday and be in your presence, but it feels like my heart is being robbed from within my chest cavity. I feel as though I’m yours, even without saying so. I feel as though my heart and soul belong to you, even though my physical body is not. When I look up to you and my eyes meet your eyes, I feel the unspoken attraction between us. It’s written in our eyes and felt through our body language. I feel this perpetual feeling and long for your energy with every passing day and I want to reach out for you when we pass by each other, but fearful you’ll reject me and I’ll never get to see you again, so I just look, gaze and smile. I could only hope you feel something too, even if you can’t come out and tell me.
I want this to be as smooth and beautiful as it’s worth. I want to ease any pain within each other and heal our wounds we’ve endured with every false counterpart and learning lesson. I want to tend to your bandages and kiss your scars. I want you to tell me all of your stories from your battle wounds. I want us to lock eyes and get lost. I want us to share our visions and what it felt like trying to give each other space and how badly it ate us alive inside. I want to release the tension that’s been pent up inside of us. I await the day where the universe finds us worthy of each other and we learn the lessons we must learn to be the very best versions of ourselves, so that we can become the very best versions for each other. I know we are getting closer, but I can see and feel we still have work to do before we are gifted with each other.
I am delighted you come to visit me in my dreams and I wish for you every night, but the same as in this world, I seem to be quite busy in other realms when I sleep. I wish for you though, I wish to meet you, to see you, to touch you and hope with every dream we get closer to each other in my dream and in this life. I long to kiss you as long as it would take to reach the end of the Abyss. Our magnetic energy would create friction that would forever be felt within every molecule of our existence forever.
No matter what I do to move past this connection, it wraps back to you. No matter what I do to try and convince myself to try and destroy what I feel in fear it’s unworthy of a love so great of yours, I fear you’ll turn me away, that I’m not worth the risk of change and liberation. No matter what I do to convince myself I’m going insane and this means nothing, the universe places you in my life and I’m left drowning in my desires for you. I want to risk the matrix for you. I want us to unite and fulfill a greater purpose. I’ll be gentle, if you’d like. Give me a chance and I promise you’ll never be disappointed.
The tension is high and I’m growing uncertain how long I can control my desires for you. I’m coming in hotter than the cosmic light can travel through space. You’re in my line of sight and I can’t let you go, therefore I will wait, because no one compares to you and your energy. It’s a perpetual bliss. A sign from the unknown to pursue a universal phenomenon we would normally dismiss. Break from your shell, my love. Liberate your wants, needs and desires and allow me to express my deepest desires to you. Allow me to penetrate your soul and share worldly phenomenons humans aren’t capable of grasping.
I’ll open myself for you, but a love so rare, raw and authentic as this requires reciprocation and equality. Let me share with you limitless possibilities there can be when you allow two light energies to collide into the depths of their existence. I want to dance with you for an eternity. I want to make love under the stars. I want to gaze into your eyes for eternity. I want to feel every inch of your body with mine. I want you to take me as yours. Experiment on my body and ravish my soul. Allow this connection to bloom and flourish so that it may blossom into heaven on Earth…
I’m ready to dance, are you?
“This was not planned, but I intend to pencil you in… permanently.” -Riva Gijanto
Copyright 2021 Riva Gijanto All Rights Reserved.
Life with MissRiva 
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