I was blind by instantaneous love after a rough break up, that I couldn’t see any of the signs that screamed, “Warning, proceed with caution.”
I guess I should have known better just getting out of a long relationship and practically falling into the arms of another one while I was still severely damaged.
Why do we do that? It’s like as though we are afraid of being alone? For every moment that went by I saw red flags now looking back. The alcoholism, drugs and emotional abuse. I was knowingly oblivious, because I knew I deserved better, yet I kept coming back for more.
I became restless day after day. They were just as predictable as they were unpredictable. It was the same routine daily. The comments, the belittling, and the unsupportiveness in all that I am. The constant degrading and feeling defeated tirelessly. I knew my mind was playing tricks on me, because this couldn’t be real.
Every day I knew I was waking up to someone who seemed sweet on the outside, but were constantly fighting demons inside, and in that moment I felt that I was needed in your life so that maybe there could be healing, peace and love.
Life is short, we all know this and we deny it mostly. It doesn’t resonate well, because in time itself the moments can be endless and other times it’s gone by. Day in and day out seemed the same. I cried, I begged, I wondered if it would ever change. I convinced myself I was leaving, but somehow never managed to get up and go. Maybe it was that I had become financially reliant, emotionally scared or maybe I felt like I didn’t have any options…
I was chained quickly, but too blind to see it. I made excuses for every time something went wrong or comments were made. I found I was defending myself more than I was allowed to be myself. Who even am I? I think at some point I just lost myself. I felt as though I no longer existed and I just wanted life to rush by and claim my soul to get it over with. I believed I had no other options that no one was going to love me for me because I had been convinced otherwise with lies and manipulations that I now know was. I knew what was going on, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. I knew deep down inside that if I was submissive enough, that maybe it would change. I thought by sacrificing everything about me that I’ve grown to be, that you would see I wanted to be the only one you wanted and that you would change.
I just wanted to feel loved. I imagined I was in love with my best friend. We would walk along the beach shore where it’s peaceful, holding hands, laughing about everything, because life seemed more perfect than not with just being by your side. I stormed up ideas of this fairy tale with you, that I would be happy endlessly, that you would be there at my beck and call with a waterfall of love, support, care, kindness and peace. All these ideas consumed me and the more I tried to accept who you really were, the more I realized I was way out of reach for ever feeling what I yearned for and what I knew I deserved…
Every day with you was exhausting. Every moment I still wanted to love you, because I kept faith that the universe would guide your soul on a better path. I waited every single day. Every day I woke up I wondered if today would be different, would it be worse or would it be better? There always seemed to be a reminder on the good days. What seemed good only lasted a short time and it was almost immediately followed by the exhausting, overwhelming real you.
I stayed because I’m always looking forward to those few good days with you out of an entire month. I stayed because I was convinced that we would “Grow” and our lives would eventually merge into one. I stayed because I wanted us to work out just as I imagined in my head. I stayed because I was hopeful you would love me for me and that you would one day be proud of the unique, beautiful person I am. I stayed because I physically loved you therefore that must mean that I still love you. I stayed because I felt in my heart you would change your controlling ways. I stayed because I thought you would one day help my spirit. I stayed because I was taught not to quit. I stayed because I was taught that relationships aren’t perfect and you HAVE to work through them. I stayed because I was manipulated and tricked by your condescending words. I stayed because I honestly believed I would be judged for a failed relationship. I stayed even though you played clueless to the amount of pain you brought to my existence, mentally, emotionally and because of that I had become physically exhausted.
Now, I am here to tell you that I am far greater than you give me credit for. I am beautiful. I am courageous. I am talented. I am funny. I am loving. I am kind. I am humble. I am a free spirit. I am energetic. I am creative. I am hard working. I am an individual with a spiritual soul and a charismatic personality that anyone would be over the moon grateful for to call me theirs…
But with you I am tired. I am weak. I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I am miserable. I am no longer energetic. I am no longer happy and can’t seem to find the joy in life around me. You drain my energy until I am completely out of body. I live a controlled life, uniformed life and I am the result of a severely neglected lost soul. I have become too tired to leave, too scared of manipulation and fear of starting over…
But one day I realized I will have no more of you wasting my one and only life trying to grasp ahold of what I am afraid of most. On this day, everything changed. I have had quite enough as I see more and more every day of the signs that lead me away from you. On this day I realized that I no longer NEED you in my life that my WANT for you clouded my judgment and I stayed longer than my welcome. I realized that I in fact DO have control over my life, decisions and relationships. I was made to believe that I wouldn’t be anything without you, that somehow you believed you saved me and I was made to believe I wasn’t anything without you…
THAT’S IT! NO MORE! NO!
I will no longer be your trash when I know I can be someone else’s treasure. Someone whom will accept me for me. Someone who will support my crazy out of reach dreams. Someone who will walk beside me and let it be known to the world that I am theirs. Someone who will put me first. Someone who will cheer me on. Someone whom will sympathize with me, but gives me courage. Someone who will lift me when I am feeling down. Someone who will love me for me, because everything about me is what they have dreaming for their entire life. Someone who lovingly holds me as if it were to be the last time they would ever hold me. Someone who whispers words of endearment into my ear. Someone who waters me, because they are excited to watch me grow and to see who I become. Someone who guides my soul into the light at the end of the tunnel. Someone who is ready to conquer the universe as we plunge into the abyss hand and hand together. Some who is an equal version of MYSELF, and that someone is just NOT you.
This is my final good bye, because I certainly won’t be seeing you later. Here’s my courage I was given when I was born that was able to make its way through all of those dark clouds you held over me by a simple mysterious light peaking from within it. Your toxins will no longer consume me…
Now, repeat after me, I AM DONE!
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Life with MissRiva 
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