That’s All She Wrote…

The wind is blowing through my hair as I sit by the ocean shore. The sounds of the waves crashing against the sand brought me to my quiet place.
A place where only I existed. A place where I felt comfortable and a place of peace.
The sun was shining, almost in reminder that there will always be light lighting the way on my path.
The mix of fresh air and ocean water just cleansed my soul. The sounds of the birds chirping above my head as they flew off onto their next destination.
Ocean shells scattered along the shore and I couldn’t help but wonder what their last day on earth was like and how they became just the shell.
I wondered what was going on in the ocean right this very second. Was there madness and chaos or was it just a peaceful and beautiful in the ocean as it looks from the outside.
I wondered where I’d be in this moment, if I were with someone who was worth sharing this moment with me. I wondered if there was truly anyone out there that could feel for Earth and see Earth for the way I do. I wondered how many souls actually stopped and wondered about the ocean as I did.

I was the only one on the shore. Just nature and myself and in that moment I knew something seemed unusual about my surroundings, but it didn’t seem to bother me.
As I sat there in the sand in my long white summer dress, I realized just how full I felt being completely alone. There was no one to check in with. There was no one to listen to when I just wanted silence. There was no one to tell me what to do or how to do it. There was no one to judge me. There was no one to tell me how to live my life or make remarks about me wanting to have alone time.
I was free. Free from misery. Free from so called love that humans seem to put limits on. Free from the burden or being someone else’s burden. Free from the judgement of me being me. Free from limited thoughts and creations. I could simply be me and truly live my life.
I began to get lost in the idea of my freedom. I caressed the sand with my fingertips, creating small gouges in the sand. The sand is stuck in my fingernails now, but if that is my only problem then I’m doing rather well. I focus my eyes out to the ocean. I take in the fact that although we all live distracted lives, that life exists and it’ll go on long after we are gone.

I had a lover once. A man worth dropping everything for, so I thought. Why do we do that? Some relationships we either sacrifice everything we love to be with someone who isn’t supportive or doesn’t agree with our every unique being and or we just want to consume all the time we have and give it to them, but is that really worth love? Is that really love? Maybe to a sense, but in reality we all should still live our short lives being us, because we aren’t “us” for very long.

I loved the tickling feeling through my hair as the wind grazed its hands through it, as if to say that nothing could give me my desires more than the hands of nature could. I could agree, because the feeling of the wind whipping through my hair felt more incredible than anyone that has ever had the chance to play with my hair.
The physical love from nature seemed to win me over. It’s as though it wants me happy. It’s as though it wants to love me, but I’ve been blind all this time to love.

My string of toxic relationships have worn me out as a being. I’ve wasted a lot of precious time here on Earth, making the same mistakes continuously. Although with every failing relationship, I learned something from them and grew. I became stronger and I seem to pick better lovers with each passing relationship.
But where was my prince charming? Where is my night and shining armor? Where is this man that is the other half to my ever feeling whole? Is he still on Earth? Is he even here at all? Did I over look him? Did I reject him? Do I even deserve him?
I wondered. I looked up at the sky and I could see a few stars and the moon. I couldn’t help but wonder what was out there. Are we being watched? Is there a greater purpose to life on Earth? Am I doing everything I was destined to do? Am I on the right path? Are my creators (if any) happy with my progress?
Maybe I am wondering too much and not learning to enjoy and embrace every passing moment on Earth I have left. Maybe I worry too much.

The sun made its way to dusk and I have seemed to of lost track of time. I don’t worry about the time, therefore I don’t carry a watch with me when I’m relaxing by nature’s pool… The setting was beautiful. The ocean became a mirrored image of the sky. Colors of oranges, yellows, pinks and reds filled the sunset. The sun gleamed gracefully. I thanked it for allowing us another day of light to guide our paths and help provide our food.
The sun is a beautiful phenomenon. A structure built by the finest of engineers. It provided all we need to survive here on Earth and I don’t believe it gets the credit it truly deserves, but I wouldn’t have noticed if I were in distress and distracted by social anxieties. I parade around on the daily thinking I understand everything about life, but the truth is I and the rest of the human species have no idea, we are far too busy with our hands deep in our careers, our self wants and needs and self-absorbed in relationships, that we have forgotten what it’s like to actually stop in breathe in the air. We forget that we could always have this opportunity, but our social and societal desires fog our senses beyond comprehension.

What is this life without love? What is love without loving everything, everyone and every creature we reside on Earth with? What is this life without living it? What is this life if everyone gave up on the Earth? Only I knew the answer to this and only I could do something about it. I pondered my thoughts to be a better human, to be a better lover, to love universally and to care for all that crosses my light.

But in this moment I knew that nothing could bring me more happiness than myself. I am my greatest care taker. I am my greatest lover. I am my greatest friend. I am me, because I was born to be me. I was born alone and I will leave alone. No one could bring more happiness into my life than I could, because you cannot love anything or anyone else without fully loving yourself first. I know I am at my happiest. I know only I could make myself happier. I know I am my greatest fan. I am my greatest supporter. I am my greatest existence. There was no more needs to wonder about all that will never permanently pertain to me.

As I stood up from embracing the sand beneath my body, I gently wiped away the grains that stuck to my skin and focused my eyes on the sliver of what was left of the sunset. I smiled and caressed my neck as I embraced the beauty. As I began to turn around and head back on my journey, I was startled by a beautiful blue eyed husky looking up at me. I bent down to let it sniff my hand. I was hoping for approval for a caress to the head. The husky was unusually welcoming to my presence and rubbed its head on my hand. I couldn’t help but giggle and smile as I ran my hand through its soft fur. Just as I was lost in its presence I heard a voice calling out in the distance. As I looked up, I saw a man from the distance, jogging towards us. The husky looked over to the jogger and looked back to me. I think it wanted to stay with me, but seemed unsure. I knew the call must have been from its care taker. What a beautiful creature. Well groomed, well behaved and well mannered. I tried to give an “OK

” to go, but it refused. I stayed with the husky, to be sure its care taker could come for it. As the man got close enough to speak clearly, he said that his husky, “Zeus” saw me from quite the distance and ran to me while disobeying all commands to heal, I couldn’t help but giggle. The man walked up to me and shook my hand and introduced himself. Just then we made eye contact and the hand shake seemed like a life time in the shortest of moments. The energy between the hand shake was an incredible feeling I’ve never experienced before, it was merely electrifying. Zeus seemed content with our greeting, but this mysterious man just smiled at me as we finally broke our hand shake. Although little light left from the sunset, I could see how incredibly handsome he was. I spoke about how lovely his dog is and as I looked back up to the man, he seemed to have gotten lost in my words as I spoke. A grin ear to ear, blue eyes just gleaming from the sunset, he was certainly enchanting.

I stopped speaking and made it a point that it was getting dark and that I should be getting home. He stumbled on his words and seemed hesitate, but eventually agreed. We both shook hands one last time and I gave Zeus another caress on the head as we parted our ways. I couldn’t help but smile, because it was in that moment I realized I had no control in the way the universe works. I wondered if I had made the right decision to walk away. I wondered if I would see him again. I wondered if he would wonder about me too.

There’s one thing certain about wondering, is that I just don’t actually know the outcome to my wonders, because wondering is of the greatest phenomenon that purely exists in our very own minds…

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