My Love…


“Look at Me,” by David O’Dowda

I wouldn’t see it coming, even though I feel as though I’m intuitive.
I wouldn’t feel or sense it, even though I relentlessly asked for it.
I never thought that I would ever be worthy of such an ethereal blessing.
I never thought I would be worthy or be seen as worthy.
I was sure to mind my own business, never experiencing such a grand phenomenon.

Blanketed while standing in a blizzard, a stranger emerged from behind.
He covered me in warmth with reason, grabbed my hand, and stood with me so that I wouldn’t be alone.
Where he came from within the blizzard is a mystery, but now, as he stood by me, I could see clearly.
“Hello again,” I thought to myself, having never met this stranger before.
As he stood by me and waited, the blizzard didn’t seem so cold and harsh anymore.
I didn’t feel lonely or lost anymore, he saw me from the depths of a catastrophic blizzard that I was sure would swallow me alive…

Could it be, as the time unraveled, that we’ve done this before?
He wouldn’t leave, he insisted he stay, and when the blizzard cleared, he never left my side.
He was charming and kind and so incredibly handsome.
I didn’t want him to leave me either, I wanted him to stay with me.
And so we stood there, in the middle of nowhere, together.
Just he and I…

His presence, ethereal.
He radiated and gleamed in the light he brought with him.
I became mesmerized by his euphoria.
Why he came and why he stayed, I tried not to think too hard about, I only wanted to live as long as I could in this moment, wishing it would never come to an end..

My mind wandered and warped 60 years in time.
I saw a vision of happiness, laughter, stories and adventures, chasing our kids, and falling madly in love over and over again.
I saw us growing old and giggling and reminiscing on our time together as we flipped through our picture books with our grandkids.
I saw us walking the shoreline of the ocean together, holding hands and oblivious to the noise that surrounded us.
I saw us old and weak and trying to fight back the hands of time with our hands tied behind our backs, just so we could have more time with each other.
I saw our bodies giving away on us and our adventures coming to a slow halt.
I saw the seasons change and the clock ticking away, picking away every second we had left.
Then, I saw one of us barely shuffling the shoreline of the ocean in memory of the other, alone and wondering where the time had gone and how we just didn’t have enough of it…
My, the ocean was breathtaking, but held no meaning without the 2 of us side by side there together.

When the last breath of the beauty we once eloped in becomes a distant memory, I remember the blizzard where you stood by me and kept me warm, and the ocean that watched our lives like the waves coming in and fading out.
How unfair to have to let you go and leave you…
How unfair that I didn’t have more time with you…
How unfair to have to say goodbye to you forever…
A vision of our euphoric fairytale we built with a heartbreaking ending…

As I awakened from this vision, I knew what was at stake letting you in…
I knew the risks…
Could I bear the heartbreak and the feeling of loneliness in the end?
Could I handle having never experienced you at all?
Could I handle that, not even fairytales have a happy ending?
Could I bear the pain of loss with the love of my life?
My thoughts shattered my reality and plucked away at my fairytale.

But, not ever risking the consequences to indulge in such the finest experience wrapped in the finest of paper would seem pointless to have lived at all.
I acknowledge the risks and understand the path ends with just one of us walking to the end of it alone…
I can only hope that our story doesn’t end here, that we find each other again, and we pick up right where we left off…

I’m taking a risk based on the hope that I’ll see you again.
And by golly, I hope that our energetic vibrations emit a signal and we journey to find one another again.
I would travel through every milky way in every galaxy and spend all eternity finding you, and if this universe knew what was good for it, it would grant me my wishes to relive every life with you…

So, my love, the question is, could you bear these risks and elope in a fairytale that we create, all to lose everything we have envisioned in the end?
To have and to hold, only to lose and let go in the end?
Could you endure the path of agony to bear a heartbreaking loss in the end?
Could this be everything we’ve ever wanted, or a mirage or an illusion to something we’ve never had?

In all that exists or doesn’t exist with us, I see us… I see us and therefore I see nothing else but us, and as I stand here with you, I only want to stand with you in every storm and fight the keeper of time, so that I can have more of this illusion with you… because with you- is the only illusion that I want to imagine…

©️ 2023 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved.This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate, or use its authenticity in any way.


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