Fixated on You…


“It’s not the end of the world,” I would tell myself. I give myself these little reminders that every day is a brand new day to adventure and experience something new and exciting. It’s been hard to reestablish myself after leaving a long relationship and to be quite frank I’m a sad single girl that hasn’t found Mr. Right. Is there a Mr. Right? I knew I would have to embark on a journey of finding myself and loving myself more than anyone could love me and hope that someone will love me like I love me.

It’s been a few years and the single life is not awful. There’s no one to disappoint. I can do what I please as I please and date whomever. I have the freedom to come and go, as there is no one to answer to. I have this infinite flame inside of self expression and there’s no one to criticize me for just being me. It’s glorious isn’t it? No pressure or stress to downplay yourself for the acceptance of the one who was supposed to love you for you?

I spend my days hanging out with friends who aren’t single and are limited to what they can do. I often find myself joining groups to embark on adventurous journeys, but I realized that these folks aren’t single either. They meet-up in these groups when they can, but have family or work obligations. If I join enough groups it feels like I’m conversing with singles, but the reality is I can’t hang out with other single people. It doesn’t bother me much, but when I hang out with couples I see those in a relationship unhappy and see those who are totally in love and I have this conflict with my bad experiences that I grow fond of the idea of finding that person that ignites that flame within me and we conquer the love we both seek.

I’m in the middle of a massive move. I feel that I have outgrown the area that I live in and my soul is calling me to hit the road. I don’t have much, I sold everything for a nomad life. I don’t have to work a 9-5 everyday. I don’t want much and I don’t need much. I can’t imagine my lifestyle being weird to someone who lives their life to accumulate and climb the success ladder. I don’t want the same responsibility. I want minimal and freedom and I know my likelihood of finding someone who wants the same thing AND loves love like I do, is slim to none. I have a better chance of matching up with a plate of Spaghetti.

My move isn’t taking much. I really don’t have anything anymore. I bought a campervan and sold just about everything in my house. I’ll cook minimally on the road with simple homemade cheap meals. I have seen thousands of people on social media in recent years and read hundreds of blogs on how to live on the road. I have had enough with this repetitive lifestyle and am tired of dating disappointments. I need to reset and just spend time on me, doing me.

So, I am taking my cat Rocky on the road with me. He’s a Russian Blue and is equivalent to a guard dog, hence his name. He’s also the only man in my life I feel is worthy of all my time and love. He makes the best companion, because his love and need for adventure matches mine. Am I the crazy cat lady? Do I need to have more than one cat to be considered a crazy cat lady? At this point in my life, my cat is the only man I can trust won’t hurt me, and he actually has claws!

As I gathered a few of my plants, a bag of clothes and food items and packed them into my campervan, I realized how much I felt weighed down with all my life’s materialistic accumulations and felt overwhelmed with freedom leaving it all behind. No attachment to these objects, just my Rocky, I’m attached to Rocky, guilty as charged. I have a bit of money saved up and enough to get me around for a while. I plan on traveling and volunteering in communities where I can get free accommodations just by helping out doing what I love. I can’t say I’m not afraid to travel, as a girl I’m definitely afraid, but I have been mapping out my route and stops for a while now. If all goes well and I don’t break down, I’ll be good.

My first trip is about 6 hours west of Maryland. I figured 4-6 hour trips would be good to get involved with as many communities as I can. I plan on attending a spiritual community when I’ll have a shaman watch over me and guide me through an ayahuasca experience. I figured this would be great after leaving a toxic relationship and leaving everything behind and starting new. That trip is in California, so I have a ways to go and a journey to overcome. I know my path is going to be challenging, but I’ll learn a great deal on the road and in various communities.

As Rocky and I set off onto a new adventure, I can’t help but to wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I’m leaving everyone I know behind, everything I have ever worked for, my unstable job, and I can’t help to feel like breaking away from this societal norm is illegal. Living a structured life has been damaging and it took me my entire life to realize I was trapped serving a system that never cared about me. I couldn’t wait to find purpose again, something you don’t find living a structured life that was designed for you. It felt foreign to think for myself and to do what I please. I make a few You-Tube videos to generate some money that’ll be just enough for what I actually need and the rest will be in communities.

My first stop was incredible. I was very nervous, but the “Nature’s Path” community welcomed me with open arms in Ohio. These folks showed no Judgement. They were the happiest humans I ever saw. There was no competition, no greed, no judgment and all I could feel was love. I stayed for about a month. I helped garden and learned what plants were what and what purpose certain herbs provided. I enjoyed knowing how to raise and grow food and what elements were needed to grow various fruits, veggies and herbs. I learned how to build, cook and make medicinal medicine. I even learned about kids and watched them run through the community laughing and playing around, something I really haven’t bared witness to and thought that bringing kids up in a community like this must really be pleasant.

There were families and singles that lived in this large community. There were yurts, tiny homes and even hay houses that held various ceremonies. There were common houses, gardens, and native TP’s. Here, the people were happy and healthy. They taught together, ate together, sang together and they found an unconditional love that I had no idea existed. Even when someone seemingly seemed off, they took a dip at the waterfall nearby and washed away any blue feelings they may have had. The waterfall was a centerpiece to healing. Many folks indulged in the essence of such a majestic waterfall.

It was incredibly hard to leave this community. I knew my emptiness was really me longing to belong and help where it’s fruit bearing with purpose. I started off on a good foot with the communities I’ve chosen to stay with and my next adventure landed me in Indian to a large off the grid community tucked into the mountainous woods, called “Gaia’s House.” This was yet another extraordinary community that held a rather strong bond between the members. The kids weren’t stuck on cell phones or in a public school all day. They were learning such great tools of independence and were contributing by giving back to the community, something schools don’t teach you. The sheer amount of joy when they see the seeds they’ve planted had grown into produce. They were very proud of their hard work and everyone was thankful for their hard work and delicious produce that they grew.

I already started to realize just how backwards we have it in life. How such a small thing can bring someone such joy. I thought about how successful people often only have 1 or few skills that illuminate their career and how they make great money to buy all they’ve ever wanted, but what satisfaction does that actually bring them? Do people praise them for buying a house, car, boat? Does it provide others enjoyment as well? Will it be able to keep you alive if the world turns to shit? No, because money only gets you so far in reality. Growing food, learning about what herbs heal you, building with your hands, these are all values that are very much appreciated in these communities of wholesome love and support. 

Rocky has been the center of attention so far. He’s a laid back cat and loves cuddles. He’s stayed by my side the whole time, like the dogs, who ironically roamed the entire area off a leash. Even the cats roamed free. All the animals got along really well here. I became fascinated with this lifestyle and with such a great learning lesson already, I can’t help to wonder why I did not start sooner. However, lonely thoughts crept in at some point. I did think to myself as I watched other mindful and loving couples share such a unique bond to each other. The love really inspired me and gave me hope that perhaps relationships ultimately become their environment.

I drove through Illinois and into Nebraska. I have to say that after staying in these communities, I have found it difficult to be around cities or stopping for gas and food. The anxiety of the unknown made me feel sick. I know females shouldn’t travel alone, but driving to busy areas made me feel claustrophobic. There was already too much noise outside these communities and I started to feel people’s energy. Everything felt rushed. I saw trash everywhere, but people were too busy to pick it up. Too many NPCs and not enough conscious people. I certainly couldn’t wait to get to “Hobbit Villa,” and they certainly loved up to that name!

This tiny community was so cool. Their houses looked like something off of Lord of The Rings. Each tiny house was molded differently than the next. They didn’t look like houses at all, but rather something you’d see in a fairytale. They had a few cool tree houses too and built tiny homes in mounds of dirt. The rule to live here was that you could build anything you wanted, it just had to be different looking than the societal norm,  therefore giving it its appealing and unique look to the villa.

The folks here were so nice and happy. They sang together twice a day. Now, that may seem like a lot for some people, but they did an early morning rise with mud water coffee veggie making breakfast together and they did an after-dinner sunset gathering. My dopamine felt tickled and excited my entire stay. I was worried I might crash from all this happiness and excitement, but this community really knew how to keep the happy buzz going, just by them being them and spreading love, joy and kindness to everyone every single day.

Leaving there was rather hard. The villa style was definitely up my alley and it felt liberating to create anything these people have ever dreamed of, without rules, regulations, judgment or competition. Adults could be children and expand on their creativity without limitations of their creativity. I felt like an actress in a movie, because villages like this only exist there. It was as if I landed on a different planet. I without a doubt felt sadness leaving, but very grateful for their welcoming love and support.

Nebraska was next up. I stayed at “Ascension Community.” Honestly, the vibe wasn’t there in comparison to where I have been. Apparently, the state government has been torturing this community and have been trying to sabotage it completely. They have been trying to stay afloat and move forward, but it hasn’t been able to leave the ground. The people here seem stressed and I don’t blame them. Imagine leaving your whole life behind and having your new life threatened all the time? I’ve the people here stay, because they are trying to fight for their rights to live their life as they please, and they should. I never understood the harsh rules of humans living the way they choose. I also understand that some humans are incapable of being responsible enough to live without harming themselves, the environment or those around them.

I only stayed 2 days here. Just enough to get rest, but as much as they tried their best to get together, it seemed like every time they would pull something together, it was rudely interrupted by a state official, trying to cite them for every little thing they could. It was awful to watch and I felt helpless. There was talk about them leaving the state and starting fresh in another more open state, but the residents felt obligated to stay, because they have local families outside the community. Overall as unstable as this community is, I felt hopeful for a victory. It seems like once these communities become more sought out, that states will overturn their restrictions and rules and welcome more sustainable and environmentally friendly communities. The planet is going to shit, we need more people who want less.

As I arrived in Colorado, I was taken away by the mountainous beauty.  The landscape was absolutely breathtaking. I have driven through beautiful areas, but so far Colorado is my favorite and when I drove to the “Zenland” community, I wasn’t disappointed. This was a large community, the size of a small town. There were many small one story A-frame style houses. They were uniquely designed and each tiny house had a vibe all on its own.

Here, this community was tucked between both a breathtaking mountain view and a luscious wooded area. They had areas where the houses were closer together and you could walk to any part of this town and reach the common areas, fire pit, garden and school house. They had an old transit van that they went into town with or traveled in. This community apparently drives to other communities and helps them and also helps to build up new communities.

I have learned how to sew and make paper using recycled material. I also got hands-on experience on how to build a tiny A-frame house. I felt pretty exhausted here though, not entirely sure if it’s been the drive, the excitement or both, but I feel whooped. I am grateful for these communities to let me stay with open arms, but I feel exhausted. One morning I went on a long walk with a group of women into the mountainside. We fetched herbs and fresh water from a spring coming from the mountain. We collected all sorts of really neat herbs and these wonderful women were schooling me on what herbs did what and how to use them.

I love it here. The community is such an experience. I know I have a few more states until I reach Washington state, but I am taking my time here in Colorado. The atmosphere is perfect. The weather is gorgeous. The vibe is inviting and fun. The folks here are always staying busy with work and fun. They document their experiences and share them on You-Tube when they hear into town, which helps the community generate some income. They are a real spiritual family. A family formulated on real love and unity. They aren’t blood, but they were surely born into a family that merely led them to their real family. Being in their presence brought me such joy.

Leaving here is going to be hard, but I know I can always come back. The folks here set me up for the rest of my trip. I even exchanged information with them from Ascension Community, in hopes for them to help get their community off the ground. Zenland has really well put together people who come from all sorts of backgrounds. I have no doubts that Ascension Community will be everything they were hoping it would be. I feel like in a small way, I am helping in these communities and contributing by just traveling and sharing my experiences. It’s been a wholesome experience so far. The folks here guided me to stay with their sister community in Wyoming, so here I go!

Wyoming was not a disappointment whatsoever. This one is called “Yin & Yang Community” and it was a mirror image of Zenland. They had already received word that I was on my way there, and although I reached out to these communities beforehand to ask if I could stay, Zenland recommended I stay with their sister community in Wyoming, so I canceled my travels to another community I was originally going to stay with. 

This community was equally amazing as well. There were about 75 people in total here. Families and singles. Both this community and Zenland were quite large in comparison to the others I’ve stayed at and more equipped for sustainable living. It seemed like everyone was working together on something and there were mini groups of people doing different things. A group was preparing food. Another group building. A group playing music. A group gardening and other groups that were teaching the youth and hauling water from a local stream.

The music all day was such a unique experience. There were different cultures there and everyone seemed to teach their neighbor how to play their cultural music, so there were various genres of cultural music. Interestingly enough, they weren’t playing radio music with classic rock or pop, they were playing hand drums, flutes, handpans, chimes and all sorts of these inner musical instruments that you don’t hear in society or on the radio. It was quite a treat to experience something different. Something that hits different parts of the body and mind that traditional modern music does for you. I feel energized and as though I was given a new life. 

This community really gave me a huge warm feeling throughout my body. I felt as though I had experienced heaven on earth. The human experience from the ethereal side, something humans have stepped away from to accumulate the material world. What a blissful experience here.

The first night the community leaders wanted to welcome my stay and so everyone gathered together in the evening to cook, play music and dance. I felt famous, but really there was just so much love and support from everyone. As I was smiling watching all these people, an incredibly handsome and fit fella approached me. He asked if I had ever played the handpan before and I embarrassingly replied no. He smiled and gave a little laugh and assured me not to be embarrassed, that everyone starts not having a clue as to how to play musical instruments. “I’m Orion,” he said and held out his hand to shake mine. “Nice to meet you Orion, I’m Meeka,” I said.

Orion sat down next to me and guided me on how to play the handpan. He taught me how to listen to the music around me and how I could apply the sounds of the handpan and integrate it into the music around me. Everyone was laughing, dancing, playing music around us and passing around a massive Marijuana joint. I don’t smoke, but I love the smell of it and there was so much in the air around us that I caught a contract high. As I took over the handpan, I could see Orion watching me in a way that he seemed to be in awe. It was a look that only an interested person gives you, but I continued to play and just immersed myself into all the sounds around me. 

It was only a few hours into the night, but yet I felt like I had been there all night long. Orion sat next to me the whole time, playing another handpan. I bounced my tunes off of his and he would bop his head and look over at me like I was doing a great job. He never broke his smile and he had really great energy. I had a sense of calm sitting next to him and felt safe in his presence. Orion was a tall built man with a team. He wore a headband, but I noticed most of the folks here do.

My stay here at this community extended a few weeks. The folks here weren’t in any hurry to push me out and I did my part to be a team player and helped out anywhere I could. Orion and I had become rather close. I think he can tell I’ve had trauma, because this man is very patient, kind and has shown me nothing but love from a genuine place. He told me that he’s been a part of this community since it started years ago. He was very proud to bring me around and show me all the work he has put in. He taught me so many things about the community and community living in general. I can’t help to think that maybe I kinda sorta have a little crush on him.

One night while I was staying in their studio guest house, I heard someone knocking on my door. I peaked out the window and seen that it was Orion, holding something in his hands, but it was too dark for me to see clearly. I opened the door and he stood before me with fresh cut flowers from their flower garden. “I hand picked these myself,” he said proudly as he handed them to me. I saw some locals looking over and giggling as they walked by. Orion rolled his eyes with a smile, “I guess that’s one thing about living in a tiny community, is that nothing is a secret and good luck trying to create a private moment!” as he leaned back and said loudly. He laughed it off. “I was wondering if you’d like to take a walk with me?” he asked. “Oh! I’m afraid I’m not dressed for the occasion, please allow me to get dressed and I’ll meet you outside,” I said. 

Orion guided me away from the nightly music festival and since it was a full moon, the moonlight lit the way of the path he was guiding me through. The air was warm abs there was a slight wind that created the tall weeds to rustle together. I could smell the flowers and hear crickets and frogs conversing throughout the area. As I immersed myself into the sounds, looking around at how well I can see everything, Orion gently grabbed my hand. An instant warm sensation circulated throughout my body and butterflies emerged, tickling my senses. I could see him looking at me after, like we wondered what my reaction would do. I am pretty sure he could see me smiling ear to ear, because he was smiling too.

I can’t explain the euphoria I felt. It was as if a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. It felt safe and comforting. I know I want to live in the moment, but thoughts of uncertainty run through my mind. I tried not to over think, because I’ve just been living blissfully in these experiences. I had no interest in meeting anyone and really wanted to submerge myself in life. I had no obligations and I couldn’t upset anyone. It was a freedom I had that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give up just yet. Perhaps my life lessons aren’t always about how I want to use my freewill, but rather what the universe has in store for me to experience.

Orion brought me the beautiful stream and he led me up the path along side it and tucked until the mountainside was a waterfall. As we approached the waterfall I wondered what he was going to do, but he held my hand and guided me behind the waterfall where this large cave existed behind it. The moonlight was so bright that is illuminated against the waterfall and became like a magnifying glass for light inside the cave. Suddenly I noticed something strange scattered throughout the entire cave that lit up as if someone strung up lights. “These are glow worms. It’s said that they are only in the northern parts of New Zealand, but for some strange phenomenon they are here too. I believe that no one knows about this, other than our community and we have no plans to let the outside world know about it either,” he said.

I stood there in complete awe. I’ve never seen anything like it and of course I’ve heard about the worms, but I have been to New Zealand to see them for myself, I’ve relied solely on photos. “Wwooww… how do you suspect that they got here?” I asked. “We have our theories, possibly migration of a species that may have brought them with them. Maybe evolution or maybe even tourist brought them here when New Zealanders first came to America. However, it’s likely evolution and the elements that created a habitat for them. We’ll never really know for sure, because we’d prefer to keep it a secret for as long as we can.

“This is absolutely breathtaking and incredibly amazing!” I said esthetically. I was like a child in a toy store. I’m sure my eyes lit up like a cats eyes on cat nip. Being here has shown me another side to not just humanity, but also to all sorts of life on earth. I felt a joy I haven’t yet experienced yet. It was a feeling of love, adventure and excitement. Something told me to immerse myself into all of these experiences, including Orion, whom I was still holding hands with.

Orion has brought a small bag on his back and in it he pulled out a blanket for us to lay on and stare up at the glow worms. It felt like we had been out there for hours and pretty sure we were, because neither of us brought a watch or carried our devices. We lived in every moment, laughing, conversing, telling our life stories. He was very intriguing to me and had done so many amazing things in his lifetime. I didn’t feel like I hadn’t done enough like him, but I definitely felt inspired to do more with my time now. Orion was very soft spoken, but his voice was comforting. I can tell that he’s been on a great journey in life to become who he is today. A part of me knows that I’m still healing and hope that doesn’t challenge the limitless possibilities that are scattered amongst the universe.

When we sat up to change our view onto the moonlit waterfall, Orion turned to me and grabbed my hands with both his hands. “I know you’re running away from a life that took advantage of you. I know you’re healing and the pain may be so hard to bear that you’re incapable of allowing anyone in, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m truly and wholeheartedly interested in you and will bear patience until you’re ready for something fruitful and peaceful. Your beauty makes my heart skip a beat, but my soul found comfort with yours. Perhaps you’ll keep me in mind on your next journey and maybe when you’re ready or interested we could invest more into this connection.” 

Orion’s words released something inside of me that seemingly took a heavy weight off my shoulders. He stared at me with moonlit eyes. He was so genuine and sweet about his feelings and I’ve never met a guy that was so healthy and honest before. It filled in cracks in my heart that I was sure was never going to feel whole like that again. I knew I would need much time to heal, but Orion’s presence assured me that hope existed within the weeds that once took over my heart. If I’ve learned anything from this experience so far, it’s that to expect the unexpected and to have love in my heart for unexplainable experiences.

As you might expect from one’s decision to stay, that was what I decided. I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity that the universe set in stone for me to experience. Time is irrelevant and sometimes our ego cuts ties with connections and experiences, more so after a traumatic or failing experience in general. I was this person when I first started my trip. I had an open mind, but a closed heart. How could I experience the love and joy in life with a closed heart? I wanted to value myself more, but expected I had all the tools I needed to proceed on a journey to finding myself and experience all there was. How naive of me.

Orin has been my teacher and my lover. He’s patient and kind. I have watched him elope into this wonderous community and have seen first how important he is to the growth of its success. Everyone at this community has been a blissful and loving experience, and knowing how incredibly handsome Orion is and how many lovely and single women lived in this community, but he chose me. I never received hate or judgement from anyone. It’s a matter of connection and it reminded me that no matter how amazing or good looking someone is, if the connection isn’t there then there’s nothing to create. Apparently these women didn’t have an intimate interest or connection with him, but hey, I’m content with this new experience.

I became a large member of the community and over the next few months Orion and I traveled together to Washington State to the “Atlantis” community, to my last. We ended partnering with them, which helps both their’s and our community. Atlantis was an amazing final destination community to end up in. They were located right on the shore and owned a large wooded area on the shoreline. The shore was gorgeous. Massive rocks protruded through the sand where they were once connected to the rest of the land long ago. There were many caves that interconnected on the mountainside. The view was breathtaking and I can’t help to thank the universe for guiding me in the right direction, even when it was started by hate, anger and disappointment. I smiled as I thought about how the universe already knew my outcome and how happy I would become.

Orion and I became such a unified couple. He was very attentive and supportive. I explored alone as much as we explored together. He never tried to hold me back or make me feel like anything I wanted to do or go was a stupid idea. He never made me feel like I was less, but yet his masculine energy was in such balance that at first I questioned whether or not he was wearing a mask and pretending to be someone he truly wasn’t. He is completely content in his own skin and who he is. A man who has found himself amongst a herd of hungry hyenas in this world. He is without a doubt one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever encountered, both physically and spiritually and I am grateful beyond the cosmos to have ended up on the same road, going the same direction as Orion.

We laugh until our bellies hurt and tears roll down our face. We make love as though all the stars in the galaxy collide. We adventure through the cracks of where time and space do not exist and there is no destination. We are two souls who’ve reunited in physical body’s. Our energies dance to a song only they know the steps to. Orion has become the love of my life and there’s absolutely nothing that makes me feel as though I’ve made a grand mistake. We are very affectionate towards one another and I have tested my love for him. Like, when he’s busy working on a project with his team, I’ll gradually come from nowhere and grab him to give him a loving kiss. He doesn’t hesitate to recieve my love in any gesture and he never turns me away or ever becomes frustrated in distracting him for something so little. He embraces my gestures and smiles with love and peace, as though he’s the luckiest man in all the land. Best part about this, is that no one teases us or each other for similar experiences. Even those who aren’t public or like that in general are not judgmental in any way. There’s nothing but love in these communities.

Orion and I spent many years accumulating education about minimalistic communities and how we can incorporate and legalize uses for Marijuana and ayahuasca. We developed a plan to teach people how they can start their own community and how to build using little resources. We taught everything there is to know about community living. It was a way for us to give back and every time we did, we felt more connected to earth, our life’s purpose and to each other. I love this man. He’s shown me a love that I was certain only existed in fairytales. I know they say that we need to love ourselves first, but even if that were true, it feels so incredible to spend my time with someone who has been authentic and loving. It’s beyond loving myself, but having the ability to let someone in and love them. It’s aligning worth someone who wants to water your growth, root for you, show you love and share a life of laughter.

Sometimes we get caught up in what we don’t have or what is wrong with us, that we don’t see the beauty of the universe working hard in our favor. Not everything is a negative experience. Not everyone is out to hurt you. There is someone out there that will make you smile so much that your cheeks will hurt. Someone who will love you for all the flaws you thought you had in your previous relationships. Someone healthy and kind. It’s just a matter of taking a risk and allowing yourself to experience what is good for you, even if it’s challenging.

Orion and I fell into each other. It’s like we were two ingredients needed for a recipe. I see now that he was placed in life for me to experience and I couldn’t be happier to have found a diamond in the rut of my life. Even with my defense walls up and no desire or interest in eloping into another relationship, I realized that in this life I’m merely just a soul experiencing a body and what was meant for me are my lessons and experiences to learn from them. Everything I’ve endured has brought me to where I am now and who I’m becoming. 

In all that there is, I finally see. It’s having faith in an experience that you don’t get to see the future or outcome to, but you have to have faith that when you close your eyes and fall back, that something will always be there to catch you. Now, I eagerly wait with my hands out, my eyes closed and my back facing the world. I wait with a smile, knowing that when it’s time I’ll fall back into the unknown and know that I will be caught for my next adventure…


©️ 2022 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved. This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate or use its authenticity in any way.

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