But What if I Love Him…


Home isn’t felt with just anyone. Home is felt with you…

Songs to listen to:

“Always Remember Us This Way,” by Lady Gaga | “Into You,” by Jason Ross & Karra | “Keep It Close,” by Seven Lions | “Fear The Water,” by SYML | “I Found,” by Amber Run | “To Die For,” by Sam Smith | “You Mean The World To Me,” by Freya Ridings | Carry You,” by Ruelle | “Surrender,” by Edith Natalie Taylor | “Feeling You,” by Harrison Storm & Mahogany | “Home,” by Edith Whiskers | “Be Here Now,” by Patricia Bahia| “Now We Are Free,” by Magdelayna

I don’t have the slightest clue on what to do in life. I made it out alive from broken relationships, climbed the success ladder and tumbled back down, eliminated everything that once brought me joy, all in the name of who, what?

This was my life in a pickle jar. An abused, used and confused single mom who would come short of the very one thing that I have always been deprived of- LOVE. For what cause? Are all men broken? Are all men mean, miserable, unloving and aggressive? Are all women doomed to find someone healthy, loving and kind? Does it even exist?

Truthfully, I had given up along the way. It’s like I was the only one dreaming that there was something more or more to live for and receive, but it seemed nonexistent and every fairytale was a living lie of what should have been the truth. What if we are all byproducts of the damage we’ve endured and have given up completely? Where’s the hope? The love? The purpose to live for other than ourselves? 

I remember that last day like it happened today. Have you ever been yelled at for just being yourself? I heard a quote and it read, “You hate me for the things you loved me for,” and that struck a part of me that awakened me from the facade I was living in. I found everything wrong with me, because he was good at telling me what was wrong or what I was doing wrong. As the years went by, I lost myself all together and my heart completely closed. I stayed within myself, like a lost child in a theme park and I just wondered why everyday that I woke up, why it was that I woke up at all? The best thing the world could do for me was to keep letting me sleep for eternity, but I knew my kids would ultimately be left with all the reasons why I would leave.

I haven’t been loved, I haven’t been on dates, I haven’t received compliments in such a long time that all I know is that a part of my closed off heart feels something relit when a stranger acknowledges me. “You really think I’m pretty? Really?” I would say after a compliment. I used to think so, but I’ve heard so many things wrong with me that it’s all I started to believe. The pain was so intense I begged the universe to end my pain without me going out of my way to end it myself, because I was a coward. No one truly knows my pain behind my smile and the work that has had to go into smiling again.

I’ve been beaten into extinction and the world became so big after hiding under a rock for so long. “She’s a single mom,” they would say. Suddenly I’m shoved into a category I hadn’t realized existed and therefore everyone would look at me with different eyes. Failed relationship, unsuccessful due to sacrifice, undesirable due to children, unlovable because I apparently had so many things wrong with me. it was a if I stood in this circle surrounded by judgmental people I would never be good enough for. My eyes welt daily and as I find peace and purpose it was such a struggle to just fit in…

At some point I would chase people just to have a friend. Constantly proving my worth to them while screaming in my head, “God damn it I’m worthy!” Being alone isn’t awful, but it would be nice to share my life with someone who matches my vibe and roll through life with love and purpose. Surely someone doesn’t want to hurt me… surely I’m worthy to someone whose heart is open and free. I want to feel safe and at ease with someone for once. I don’t want to chew my nails, I don’t want my hair to fall out, I don’t want to sway back and forth in anxiety or become defensive every time I’m bullied into a submissive corner. I don’t want to cry everyday in a fetal position or struggle in a world that would care less if I existed at all.

My world came crashing down and everything went completely black. As if I had a speaker embedded into my mind, I suddenly heard all the pain I had already endured and so as I collapsed onto the bathroom floor- I threw my head into my knees and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked myself in tears. This was not how it should be. This isn’t what love is. My kids, what about my kids? Would they forever be scarred by this trauma and never know what it feels like to see or be in a healthy relationship? Would they grow up to treat their spouses the same way? 

The sound dissipated and I began to feel lightheaded. I can’t tell you the amount of tears I’ve cried, but surely enough to fill a pool. I felt crazy. Pushed out of my own existence. I no longer had a home or identity. Suddenly I was nothing and nothing to no one. I yelled to the universe, “Why me?” What purpose is this pain and suffering serving in my life? What’s the lesson? Surely there must be a positive to look at, right? 

Would I ever be able to “feel” again? Would I ever be able to love again? Would I ever be able to trust anyone ever again? I began to think that no one was worthy of ME anymore, because that would save me from ever enduring such pain and suffering again. I would close all doors and build barriers as high as the furthest parts of the universe. Like an abused animal, I no longer trusted humans. Their intentions were flawed. I no longer wanted to be a repercussion to their inability to use more than 10% of their brains, because they use so little it was like fighting against a ticking time bomb. Short fuses was a manufacturer mistake, correct?

I gathered my things being part of my illusion and walked out with my children. I would have nothing, I get nothing and I had no one but my very own kids that thought the absolute world of me, even in my darkest of times fighting battles with broken swords. Kids have this unconditional love. My kids have ultimately have strengthened and matured me. I grew different having kids, an experience I wouldn’t change for the world. My kids deserved love too. They deserve to see their mom laugh until tears fall down her face. They deserve to see her man kiss her forehead and hug lovingly. They deserve to see hand holding, adventures, healthy talks and they deserve to feel loved too.

Nervous and skiddish of a man’s intentions- left me handicap and unable to process normal human functions or allow me to function normally out in public. “Who’s that?” “Who are you talking to?” “Where are you going?” “Where are you?” “How long does it take to do XYZ?” “Took you long enough.” “You should…” “Who’s this?” “What took you so long?”  Always under the radar for just existing. Don’t make eye contact with anyone, keep my head down, don’t talk to anyone, don’t have friends, don’t go anywhere, don’t leave… I feel so empty…

But what if I met someone one day that would love every part of me that was hated by a man that once told me he loved me too. What if I met someone healthy and loving? Someone with missing parts that each of us could complete in one another? What if he was supportive and beautiful? What if his smile chiseled away my barriers? Would I see it coming? Would I know he was coming with pure and loving intentions? Would I be able to fall in-love or would I have permanent damage and self sabotage a potential great connection because it’s not toxic enough or I don’t find myself worthy of real love?

But what if one day I fall madly in-love with someone that would fall madly in-love with me? What if he was everything I had wished for my entire life? What if he was charming and witty, and we collided on everything? What if our life goals were similar or that we thought about life was similar too? What if I loved his ideas and creations and he loved mine? What if we were actually great together? What if he became my best friend and my greatest supporter? What if we became inseparable and couldn’t wait to do something together? What if love and loving life was a priority to him? 

What if I love him? Would it be possible? What if we are looking for the exact same things in someone as we have found in each other? Would I be too afraid and scare him away? Would he make me question everything I’ve endured and prove to me that love exists in the most unique and phenomenal way? Would the universe bless us, put us together and allow us to feel whole and ready for one another? Will he accept me for me? 

I gathered our things and headed out the door. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I recapped on my previous years of pain. I stayed well over my welcome and realized how weak I was to leave. Codependency is a curse. There’s no worse feeling in the world than to rely on someone else for survival. It feels like a trap with the wrong person. Unable to work or provide or land a good job due to sacrificing myself for the sake of being that good housewife and mother. Obeying his rules, following orders, not having an opinion, or wanting to succeed… I never realized how little I felt until I was unable to function all together. 

When I left, I couldn’t look back. I didn’t want to second guess my decision. I didn’t want to feel guilty for leaving or remember anymore pain. I left without notice, it was the only way I could do it. This way was the only way I could leave without being manipulated to stay or guilted into staying. I didn’t know where I was going to go or what I was going to do, but I just grabbed my kids and left abruptly after a severe emotional breakdown. At some point I became numb from the trauma that filled my memories like a flash before my eyes. I cannot heal in a toxic environment. I needed health and love for my kids. They must know that there’s something better to experience out there. 

I left the only place I was allowed to be and it felt absolutely amazing. I wasn’t tied down, I don’t have to meet his expectations, I don’t have to cry anymore, I don’t have to feel pain anymore, but most importantly my kids are free from enduring a lie that was represented as love. Love is not painful or toxic, people are painful and toxic. The pure form of love is healing and fruitful, but this was not my case. I thought what I was experiencing was something I had to endure in hopes of real love being there in the end. But the end? Was this to mean I had to wait 20, 30, 60+ years for puzzles to fall into place enough to look and operate decently?

You better bet the torment wasn’t over. He was furious I up and left with his kids. The mask had completely eradicated itself and the real him was soon exposed. The wrath was not over and I wasn’t free until I was free. He would leave me nothing and demand half custody of our kids, so that he didn’t have to pay child support. He became every ugly version of himself that he’d been hiding all these years. The pain was so unbearable that I had many thoughts of not waking up the next day, day after day. I only felt like I had purpose for my kids and they are essentially why I kept waking up.

My journey wasn’t easy. It’s taken a toll on my mental health. I couldn’t get close to anyone again. I would self sabotage religiously. Anyone who tried to get close would be met with a dead end road. I assumed everyone was out to hurt me. I assumed every man loved inflicting pain on their partners, like a game. Every time my heart flutters, I shut it completely down, so that I wouldn’t subject myself to failure and disappointment, because I believed I was such a great disappointment. I just couldn’t let anyone in and by not doing so I was able to safeguard my heart. I made a promise to myself that no one would ever be able to have me again, that no one deserved me, and that no one will ever be able to hurt me again.

Then as the years passed and I was living my best life free from being a burden to anyone but myself, I recreated my version of myself and found an amazing woman woven beneath the buried ruble. “Excuse me miss?” I heard this gentle masculine voice behind me and when I turned around I saw this incredibly handsome man standing before me. He was older, taller and fit like a Greek God. His energy illuminated the room around us. Like a halo from the said heavens above, he smiled ear to ear when I turned around and suddenly everything made sense, like tiff was a scene from a scripted movie. “Yes?” I said in this soft but in awe voice. “I saw you from over there and I couldn’t help but feel drawn to approach you and I was wondering if you might be interested in letting me take you out to dinner sometime?” He asked so genuinely. He had long dark ash blonde hair that was pulled back and a well groomed scruffy short beard. The sides of head were shaved like a viking and his eyes were bright as the daylight sky. 

We were at my retreat that I had just opened recently, but I have been so busy focusing on the fun and success of the retreat, that I did not get around to meeting everyone one on one yet that had arrived just a few days ago. There was something incredibly warm and safe about this man. I could feel his energy and I could tell that he had his masculine energy tamed. I have to be honest and say that it felt incredible to be approached by such a healthy, confident and handsome man. There’s just nothing more wholesome than a genuine man knowing what he wants and not afraid to come get it. His masculine energy radiated love and peace and I couldn’t help but to surrender to his offer. For the first time I felt as though I wouldn’t have to chase someone who equally wants to chase me too.

Truthfully, I would quickly push men away for so long that at some point I forgot that dating existed. I was completely content focusing on myself and raising my kids, but the universe knew I was missing something. That something I tried to ignore for so long, but knew there was this empty void I was afraid to fill, and that I wouldn’t be a disappointment to anyone. I couldn’t sacrifice myself again. I enjoyed my peace, didn’t I? I knew this idea of not wanting to date had an expiration date, but I was also afraid that I would push the right person away and lose an incredibly amazing opportunity to share a romantic relationship with someone worth my while. I knew I didn’t want to be intimately alone forever, but I worried I would ignore all the signs the universe threw at me for “the one.”

Now I know. I knew I needed an older man. There is something about the level of maturity with older men. They are unafraid, forward and they know what they want. This man has already done the math before he even approached me. He had precise calculations just based on seeing me and watching me before he approached, and out of all the beautiful young ladies looking for enlightenment here at my retreat, he was drawn to me. “You’ll have to excuse my apologies, but I do believe I am a little rusty. It’s just been a very long time since I’ve asked a woman on a date.” He said. “And I’m Zeus, by the way.” He held out his hand. “Of course you are, I mean you look like you could be his son.” I joked with him and when I gave him my hand he brought it up to his face and kissed it. “And I’m Arissa, it’s a pleasure meeting you and I believe I would enjoy going out with you, so I accept your invitation,” I softly said to him.

From that very moment on, everything fell together. I didn’t have to force it, I didn’t have to wonder, I didn’t have to chase him and I didn’t beg for his attention. He was so attentive and sure, I cannot describe it in words the beauty in this man. We became inseparable, an energetic force and twin flames. He was always there for me and when I introduced him to my children, he never skipped a beat and treated my kids like his own. Zeus doesn’t have children of his own, but it was as if he’d been a father his whole life. He was a natural and very nurturing to my children. His kind heart and adventurous personality always kept me smiling and laughing.

Zeus helped me with my new retreat and his support was such an additional blessing in my life that I hadn’t realized I needed. He always felt the need to be there for me, but encouraged me to travel solo and spread my wings. He never tried to tie me down, he was adamant about me continuing my purpose, which is bringing love, peace, self awareness and enlightenment into people’s lives. Zeus has traveled all over the world and he’s been incredibly insightful with my business. When this man hugs me, it’s the most relaxing and loving experiences I’ve ever felt with someone. I feel safe, protected and cared for. Our love grew into such a pure and authentic connection, that I never realized what I was missing in my life until this man. I had no idea that this raw love form was something I would ever get the chance to experience while on Earth. Zeus was so pure and genuine to me and to anyone he came in contact with, it is absolute bliss in his presence.

I never thought I could love someone again, but meeting Zeus has recreated a new version of love that I had yet to experience with anyone else. Our bond and our love just wasn’t of Earth. When we would eat mushrooms together or smoke some Marijuana, we spent a lot of time sitting in a dim room, face to face, my legs wrapped around his waist and us connecting through our eyes. There is always ambient music playing in the background and Zeus can only make it a few minutes before he starts to caress my jawline. He is so fascinated by me that sometimes it takes me back, because I’ve never felt important to someone before, so it’s foreign to me that someone could actually care about me and love me the way that Zeus does.

Zeus was certainly a different breed. He took me on wild adventures, and my children also get to experience the world through his eyes. It was so nice to see my kids getting a second chance in life by Zeus showing them that not all masculine energies are toxic and self righteous. He taught my kids things that their dad didn’t have the time to or the patience to teach them. My kids can finally be themselves and Zeus is in full support of all their dreams and goals in life. He’s very intelligent and owned his own very successful business before selling it and now lives off the profits, which led to him having an early and comfortable retirement. He enjoys his time helping others, traveling the world and volunteering his time to help people and organizations all around the world.

In the past, I wouldn’t have given but a short amount of time to someone before my self sabotage set in and I would flip the light switch to my feelings- OFF. The problem with that, is that once that light switch is flipped off, it doesn’t come back on. My interest quickly dissipates and I pull the plug completely. It was far easier for myself to reject myself, before someone else had the opportunity to. With Zeus I have never felt the need to flip the switch and as a matter of fact it no longer exists. He’s been a staple to dismantling my trauma triggers. He became the tether to a new bridge and his love and patience was the key to my heart.

Everything I have done and worked up towards has led me to this very moment in time. If I hadn’t gone through what I’ve been through, I wouldn’t be here with this beautiful man. If I had to dream up any man, Zeus was that dream man and far more than I could have ever imagined. We traveled together and worked on many projects from enlightenment to volunteer work. We hiked mountains and camped in majestic caves. It was as if the universe knew all along that even though I spent countless years living outside my authentic self and purpose, that all the pain and suffering was to build me up for my other half.

We made an amazing team. I’m not sure how a man could be gifted with such an illuminating energy, but I felt incredibly lucky to have met him. It has been such an additional gift in my world, that I have felt nothing but love from the highest vibration I could experience being human. There’s nothing painful or uncertain, it flows naturally and authentically. Zeus was a devoted man. He loves love the way I do and he’s not afraid to express his feelings both publicly and privately. Although we consider ourselves not exclusive or unofficially official persay, titles were never our thing, we perform by actions and affirmations to show each other unconditional love and it works without effort for the both of us.

My wild side expanded with Zeus by my side. He allowed me to be me and graced my Feminine energy with open arms. He loves me and when we make love he is fascinated by my body and bears a loving stroke on the scars that allowed me to bring my children into this world, even though they aren’t his own. He loves the idea that my children helped mold me into the woman I have become. It’s like he sees the pain I’ve endured, both externally and internally and I can feel his energy protecting mine like he will do anything to protect me from all unkind things worldly and unworldly. He’s tuned in and spares my Feminine energy when I feel tired. It’s like he knows without words, his eyes speak to me and we communicate through our eyes and our energy. It’s not unusual to read each other’s thoughts. 

Zeus and I were all the things that society didn’t believe in. Our love inspired many couples and new couples. We created a new world of love and held retreats where we helped people dive deep into themselves and repair what they thought were damaged parts and recreated a new love formulation that brought couples together on a more intimate and loving connection. These fundamental tools aren’t taught in schools or even in homes. It takes people believing that there’s something more, something greater than what they’ve been taught to believe existed. What we do is what was created before us, but it doesn’t define us or limit us, we are greater than all aspects in perceptions. We get to choose our navigation through love, that it’s not limited to one idea, that one shoe doesn’t fit all. 

My greatest love was not only felt on a physical and emotional level, but also on a spiritual level where we bonded through euphoria, our purpose and adventure. Our purpose was similar, we want to bring life back into the lives of those who’ve lost their way and not only give them reasons to smile, but show them how they can find their thing that brings them absolute joy. We have been able to help so many people and watching them succeed brings us absolute joy as well. I am thankful to have met Zeus and that he was healed, healthy and confident enough to approach me when he did. I thought I had answers to questions I’ve asked, but Zeus is an absolutely amazing human amongst them all. My questions of, “but what if I love him” was answered by his consistent actions. It wasn’t hard rising in-love with him and connecting. We easily surrendered and shed all limits and fears, and thankfully we engulfed one another with a fairytale we both took part in writing.

I’m lucky to have him by my side as a life partner. I believe in him and have no doubts that we were destined to be with each other in this life. To be paired with Zeus cannot be put into words. My love for him continuously grows like a vine on an old Italian bungalow. To be one with someone and unafraid to experience something beyond limitations is far greater of an experience and to be a part of my own change has given me additional lessons I’ve been grateful to have learned from. Without pushing my own limits, I wouldn’t be where I am today and although I have thought the time was slow and agonizing then, I can say it was worth it if it meant I would open a spiritual retreat and meet an amazingly loving man one day.

If I could give any piece of advice, is that the more you envision greatness and you envision your ideal love, with great self work and awareness, with time and with mountains to climb and lessons to learn, your thoughts come alive. The universe works in mysterious ways and may very well push you through your limits to broaden your perspective. By broadening your perspective you allow for more lessons and experiences. Everything you’re doing now will lead you to the place you’re meant to be. Good intentions and the willingness to surrender to the process and letting go of what you can’t control, will be fruit bearing to your growth and all that you attract.

Your fairytale, your idea of life and love does exist, even if it doesn’t exist with most people around you. At some point you should turn the sound off so that you can focus on what is it you want, so that you can attract that precisely. Trust the process, even if you’re at your worst. There’s no greater pain than the pain we allow ourselves to drown in, believing we’ll endure pain forever and that we aren’t worthy of greatness or love. Don’t limit yourself and give yourself an opportunity to learn through the human experience. Life may be short, but your experience doesn’t have to be. If we go through life with limitations, we’ll depart earth not having lived outside of those limitations, therefore living a limited life. Live in the present, because that’s all we are guaranteed.

As for Zeus and I, we are having fun writing our story. Our bond continues to amaze and interest people and even ourselves. When we collide, it’s like the universe birthing a new galaxy. There’s simply nothing more pure than love in its raw and most purest form. We enjoy serving one another and serving our community and together we are an unexplainable phenomenon. I pride and cherish what we have. When life present itself, I imagine the euphoric state in which we live in. Zeus is the love of my life, and I finally feel unafraid and free…

©️ 2022 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved. This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate or use its authenticity in any way.

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