A 14 Minute Read!
Songs to listen to as you read along!Home,” by Edith Whiskers│“Guest Room“ by Echos │“Minefields” by Faouzia & John Legend by │“In For The Kill“ by La Roux │“Wide Awake” by Odesza │“Wait For You” by Markus Schulz
I never thought it could be possible. I’ve dreamt many dreams where I could only imagine what I wanted it to be like, even though I knew it would likely never be real. I recreated a fantasy and kept imagining it to be real one day. Although my outlook on love was frowned upon by those who did not have an imagination worth believing, that their imagination wasn’t worth living for, and that they simply did not have the capacity to understand their limiting ways.
I lived fully in my fantasy. I dreamed it, I believed it and I thought it to be true, it was just a matter of meeting someone who imagined beyond the limitations created for us. Someone who was daring and confident, someone who wasn’t afraid to FEEL. It’s not a journey for the faint-hearted. It would take a real dreamer to live thoroughly through his imagination and allow all barriers to fall away.
I always suspected that I was borderline crazy with my extravagant ideas of what love should look like and feel like, but one day I took it a step further and wrote in my journal. “Dear Divine, I would like a loving man. Someone that matches my energy and is caring. Someone kind, willing to learn and grow together and someone who loves adventure. Please make sure he’s taller than me, handsome and perhaps fit. I want a man who’s secure, confident and isn’t scared of coming to get what he wants. This man must love, LOVE.”
They say if you write it down and read it out-loud, that you attract what you’re asking for. You must be clear when you ask the Divine what you want and imagine it and believe that it’s already yours.
It happened one day. The universe wasted no time delivering. A day where I just wasn’t expecting it. On this day I was oblivious to the sounds and my surroundings. I was deep in thoughts and living within a world where no one is allowed. Lost, but physically functioning. Then, without warning, he caught my attention. “Excuse me miss, what kind of dog is that?” I spun around in the dog park as my whippet ran around and there stood before me an incredibly handsome man. His charming smile, bright eyes and great vibes had me instantaneously feeling witty.
For a second I wondered if I should write him off, because what is the sense of engaging in a conversation when it’s likely I’ll be disappointed? Or maybe he’ll be disappointed in me? I haven’t had an emotional connection in years and was a bit afraid of wasting my time on anyone anymore. I sensed something almost immediately different with him. He did not have the same energy as other men. He brought an energy that I wasn’t sure existed.
As I began to explain what kind of dog my dog was, I quickly realized that you weren’t really interested in the kind of dog I had at all, but rather it was a conversation starter. I admired him for his courage to approach me, I can’t imagine how hard it can be to engage with a stranger, let alone someone of potential interest. Usually men approach me for the wrong reasons and I can tell right away what their intentions are, but not this guy.
We conversed in small talk, but I quickly scurried away to leave, as I wasn’t sure if I could let my guard down again, but as the days went by I realized he showed up at the same time too. I had never seen him before he approached me, but now I’m seeing him everyday and everyday we would chat. It soon became a daily ritual without officially meeting up together. He also had a small dog and soon our dogs became best friends.
As the weeks went by, I found it to be exciting to go to the dog park in a different way. Although I am still incredibly skiddish of any relationship with people, I realized that the universe may have delivered exactly what I had asked for, but I wasn’t sure if was ready or was supposed to be ready for this encounter. The highlights of my days were getting to see him and that frightened me.
He never gave me signs that he was intimately interested. I mean, I couldn’t check all the boxes of an interested man, only a few. It’s been so long since I’ve been on the market, I’m not even sure what interested even looks like anymore. “Does he compliment you? (no), (does he initiate texts? (no), (does he touch you when talking? (no), does he ask you questions? (not really, we just chat, and maybe I ask too much), does he smile when he sees you? (Huh?), has he asked you out? (no), does he talk a lot with you? (yes).” All these clues had me clueless and made me feel like a schoolgirl having to Google, “How to know if a guy is interested in you.” Google apparently says that he just wants to be friends and I feel like a compete dodo even having to Google that. This rusty old girl really has lost her mind!
At some point I reminded myself that if it’s something or meant to be, it will be and I had to let it all go. Truth is, I was scared shitless. How the perfect guy walks into my life just because I asked for him, doesn’t mean I’m ready. Then again, am I not ready or just scared to admit that this could actually be a great thing and I’m just so set in my ways that I’m afraid to let anyone in to avoid being hurt.
Could it be that the universe knows we would come from different backgrounds and that it wants us to see the now and not for what our delusions and excuses create. We are worthy of each other, right? No matter what the challenges are, what the past was like and the pain burned deep within the skin, it was clear that the universe made no mistakes bringing us together.
As time passed we flawlessly mingled as though we’ve known each other our entire lives. We laughed and innocently gazed into each other’s eyes as words just flowed out of our mouth. It seemed comfortable to let my guard down so easily. He wasn’t out to hurt me, abuse me or neglect a good connection, he was tuned into me as much as I was tuned into him. Time wasn’t an issue, because internally I felt like we both somehow claimed each other without being official. I found joy in someone who found genuine joy in me as well. Like 2 school kids getting giddy when they see their crush. There was something unique about this connection.
I start my day incredibly excited to see him. He somehow relight a dim flame I once surrendered to its inability to ignite. His charm was witty and vibrant, it was hard not to smit for someone who radiated with the right elements. I had thought I was complete and happy in my life, but his genuine carefree energy filled parts of me I hadn’t realized were empty. It was an effortless connection. Nothing forced was felt and his energy brought peace into the chaotic life that surrounded me. He became the barrier to the noise I hadn’t realized I was surrounded by until the noise stopped when he was in my presence.
It’s the feeling I get when I see him now. Even though I tell myself not to get my hopes up for an intimate relationship, my feelings suddenly become uncontrollable when I see him. It’s me fighting against myself, this I know, because I think I’m not worthy of someone the opposite of what I’ve endured. Of course that’s not true, I’m very worthy, perhaps over qualified in some instances, I believe it took me time to realize I never needed someone to complete me, but how nice it would be if met someone who actually complimented me. Like a mirror of existence, he was merely the male version of myself and it baffled me how similar we were.
His eyes lit up when he talked about something he was passionate about. When someone takes genuine interest in something about yourself it’s exciting to elaborate. It’s as if you finally feel like someone gets you, finally understands like you do. He was this definition of enthusiasm and excitement in my life and just what I needed, like adding a cherry on top. Interestingly enough, he actually took interest in me. Usually I bore people to sleep with disinterest, but he was just as curious about me as I was about him. Again, we were courting without actually courting. There were no flaws, but rather accepting the difference we didn’t share, and sparking intriguing curiosity.
He wasn’t out to hurt me and unknowingly healed wounds I hadn’t realized were still exposed. Like the last bit of healing was merely by a stranger with a good kind hearted heart. Someone who acted as a protector, a safe haven, a lover and a healer. It was blissful meeting this man when I did, but it was when I least expected it, all the meanwhile I was thinking about moving across the world to live drastically. We always think we know what we are doing or what we want, but some things are really just out of our hands.
As months flew by, we kept showing up on the same days, same time to this dog park. It became a ritual of a sort, only neither of us admitted that we were continuously showing up at the same time and days because we bonded in such a way we wanted to see each other. Our dogs became best friends and our bond was title-less. There was no rush, even though I thought about him romantically. We had became great friends and even though I felt this incredibly deep connection to him, I wondered if maybe one day he would ask me out and what it would be like going out with him. He seemed happily single by all the wonderful stories about his life adventures. I even felt like I couldn’t amount to his liberation of freedom, how being in a relationship must make him feel tied down. He seemed like he was happy and I knew that one day it would be great to feel something with someone again.
I tried to rationalize whether or not I thought I should continue entertaining something he may have no intentions of pursuing in his pursuit to being happily single. The interactions became addicting to me though and there’s no denying it brought a different kind of joy into my life that I believed I had been missing for so long. If anything, maybe his presence was to open more doors and let my guard down, so that I can start allowing potential suitors to take a chance with me.
I long to be touched in a loving way, to be kissed and feel the energy flow throughout my body, and to feel safe in the arms of my protector. Being single may have its freedom, but freedom is desired when we’ve been made to feel trapped in past relationships of insecurities and trust issues. The power of real love gives you an abundance of love and freedom and I know that now. I can have the best of both worlds with someone who values the same things. I daydream about having romantic sex with someone who isn’t afraid to fall madly in love with me and show me. I would surrender in the arms of my true love.
As time passed I had already imagined every life scenario with this incredible man. I thought if I could pick any man in the world to live my life with, it would be him or his clone perhaps. It was him, he was perfect in my eyes and he had relatively no idea. I wanted to tell him, but was shy about exposing my thoughts and feelings to him. I did not want to imagine ruining a friendship with him and I certainly did not want to make him uncomfortable, whether I felt like we had a connection or not.
When we met up one day, he brought my dog a small gift. It was treats and a new trendy squeak toy that his dog apparently loved, and so he thought my dog would like it too. I gleamed in awe at such a small gesture. Someone gifting gifts to my dog is of the purest heart and a great way to win mine over. We laughed as we watched my dog run around with the toy in his mouth as he squeaked it all around the park and watched as all the dogs in the park chase him around. I just peeked out of the corner of my eye and saw this genuine sweetheart of a guy really smiling as he was watching my dog make his way around the park with the new toy he bought him, pointing and smiling. It made me smile more to see him smiling over the toy. It’s life’s simple pleasures, an uncomplicated and organic moment developed with the right elements. It’s something I wanted to be a part of every day, to see him and his smile.
And it was then, in that moment I was carelessly and freely sold to something I had no idea what the outcome might be. I developed a sudden urge to tell him how I feel. “Hey!” I said as I turned to him. With a huge smile as he turned to me and replied, “Yes?!” Like I had been memorizing a script I released my journalistic thoughts, then I suddenly froze. “Thank you, for the dog toy, it was incredibly thoughtful of you. He really seems to enjoy it and I’m sure you’re his best friend now!” I replied nervously, but truthfully what I wanted to say was,
“With you- I feel incredibly happy. It’s as if everything before I met you never made sense as much as you make sense in my life right now.
With you- I don’t feel empty. Although I thought I was full and had all I needed, upon meeting you I realized just how empty I truly was.
With you- I feel inspired and motivated. It’s something I thought I was already equipped with, but your presence has added fuel in a low lit flame.
With you- I feel safe. As though nothing could ever penetrate these safe bound walls that were created upon our meeting.
With you- I feel as though I never wanted to try with someone again, I was afraid to get hurt again, but with you I feel as though I would never know what pain feels like.
With you- I see the world through different eyes, it’s the luring intensity of this new phenomenon I was unaware that existed.
With you- my energy is delighted and energetic, although I am eccentric I find that you’ve lifted me to another level of energy I never thought was possible.
With you- I feel a love so strong, that it illuminates and radiates through every part of my being and that shakes me from the core of my being.
With you- feeling something really hadn’t occurred to me until you pulled me from my slumber.
With you- I see “happily ever after” and coinciding in a healthy universal union.
With you- time doesn’t exist, it’s preposterous when we must part ways due to this material phenomenon.
With you- I’m inspired to try again, even though I had convinced myself not to.
With you- I want LOVE more than I want to live alone, it’s getting to be your best friend for a long as this life shall let me that just has a different ring to it.
With you- I see a love that I’ve never been subjected to or felt before, it makes me feel like a giddy school girl again.
With you- I feel noticed in ways you make me feel seen.
With you- I feel heard as though you’re truly intrigued and listening.
It’s with you- that I now understand why nothing else ever worked out and in this very moment I am grateful things didn’t.
With you- that I feel more free than I’ve ever allowed myself to be.
With you- I feel as though you appreciate that I’m wild and free.
With you- I’ve never smiled and giggled organically in quite some time.
With you- I feel like I’m home…“
I did not have the courage to tell him, because I am afraid of being rejected after having expressed my feelings. It perhaps wasn’t the time to tell him and to be honest, he seemed to be enjoying something without it being something. I do not want to take that away, his freedom that is. He deserved to be wild and free, forging his own path in life. I believe I may have been inspired to want something with someone, that he just isn’t interested in. He’s mingling and enjoying the freedoms of freedom. No consequences, no titles, no obligations, no rules or restrictions. How can I possibly compete with that? With something someone values more of.
So, I decided to say nothing at all and likely never will. As I grew fond of him, I realized that I really just want the best for him. I wanted him to be free. I wanted nothing more for him to go on in this life in all his glory. No tie downs, no chains, no commitments, just all the freedom and peace one can accumulate in such a short life. I figured I could just be the background actress in his life. A friend and nothing more. He was worth more to me than what I wished for with him. He is the force, the storm and the sun, all in which I wanted to be completely wrapped up in all at once, but instead I sat back and just embraced his unique and exciting presence in my life. I feel very grateful to have played a small role in his time-line.
In all that exists, I just know that I feel incredibly lucky that he and I exist in the same world, during the same time- together. Perhaps our light will collide one day and we’ll create an entirely new universe, or perhaps we’ll be shining our light onto each other from opposite sides of the universe…
©️ 2022 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved. This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate or use its authenticity in any way.
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