My chapter here in Maryland is coming to a close. I will be moving on with my life, but leaving has inevitably been incredibly hard on my mind. As I count down the last few months left here, I have flashbacks of my time here as if I were going to die. My greatest growth has developed here and has allowed me to ascend more quickly than other places I’ve lived and traveled to thus far.
I will miss every encounter with my human friends. Some have played large roles and have had the largest impact on me spiritually, emotionally and physically. Without a doubt and in my lowest vibration at one point, certain souls have picked me up and reminded me of my purpose and how far I have come. With every encounter, I grew fond of these connections here, and truthfully I am going to be leaving in tears, as many connections I thought I would have the rest of my life were simply temporary.
As my chapter comes to a close here, I realize my heart is unwilling to let go and therefore this place will always have a spot in it. I without a doubt wanted to stay and for a while I was willing to do anything to make that happen, but truth be told my purpose is needed elsewhere and I’m no woman of stagnant placements, I’m a free bird and have always been a traveler. I get bored often and there’s not much that excites me in terms of people and even places. 9 1/2 out of 10 people are all the same to me. They live the same life, have the same or similar goals and do the same things, just a little different than those around them, and it’s all boring to me.
Maryland has opened my eyes in many ways where I have had the pleasure of meeting incredibly awesome, but unstable people. I realized that I’ve dumped my heart and exposed myself in a loving way and it was relatively foreign to people here. You see, I’m more of an outsider, so it is really hard to connect with people that are true. Life here became more of a simulation rather than reality, where nothing made sense anymore.
The mountains are beautiful, the landscape melted hearts, the ocean sang, and even the true small town businesses lit the brightest amongst the loud big wig businesses. I’ve spent 2 of the 4 years I’ve lived here in a pandemic and honestly I blamed the pandemic for what I thought was ruining a good thing or 2, but the reality is that some things just weren’t written in the stars for me and this was incredibly hard to accept. This was a challenge that was hard to overcome for a reason I had refused to see, but it was honestly a pivotal lesson to learn from.
My inspiration for writing relit as people, places, my dreams, experiences and even things inspired me to elope in an intimate relationship with writing again. Writing was reinvented for me and without certain people and experiences, I would not be living my life in alignment right now. I thank all of those who’ve really shined a light on me after I had fallen into the darkness and lost myself through emotionally abusive relationships that had corrupted my light and the way to see my path in life.
If you’re an odd creature like myself, you’ll realize that most people are not accepting of your creative expression and will ultimately try to sabotage your expressive nature by their abandonment. Hard lessons are learned when you realize that being truthful, being authentic, being inspired, motivated and different is not always accepted in a world of rules, structure, repetitive habits and behaviors. I became a force not many wanted to dance with, and by leaving Maryland I can finally see what I meant to its people and what they still mean to me. I am grateful for these learning lessons. I am not at all bitter with the imperfections of my experience. I am not hateful, hurtful or revengeful, but even with experiencing incredibly low vibrations that lurked within ill intentioned people here, I bared witness to their negative embodiment that quickly brought the spirits of raw love and authenticity down into depths of the darkness. I gained first hand experience at trying to grasp onto these frail wanderers, but my grip just wasn’t strong enough to pull them up. As if they were in a trance and unable to awaken from their tunnel vision, I watched how wilting was a cover-up for a facade being presented to them. How easy it was to lose focus. I lost vision of these wanderers as they plummeted into the nothingness that they were convinced that something existed. Did I fail my mission? I certainly emotionally drank myself to death wondering about these wanderers.
Everyday that gets closer to my departure, I see people I love and will miss dearly. I will miss the connections, the network, the love and the equality here. A lot of inspiration for writing stemmed from here and I’ve enjoyed my imagination going wild and free. As I continue on in my life, in 40 years from now my time here will have seemed like a blink of an eye and I will have forgotten many memories, faces and places. A few inspiring memories and inspiring people will without a doubt be a part of my life for as long as my memory bank will allow it. Many connections may fade away with time, but my physical heart will never forget how it felt.
Please excuse me as I leave feeling like I could have done more, that I’ll miss you, that I’ll miss this place and that I will feel empty where this place and its people once held a space in my heart. My calling is to a place much further West and I’m sad to let go of here and sad to let go of the very special people who I’ve learned to love so much. I’ll leave feeling that I could have, should have, but didn’t, but with greater purpose I fell short of the courage and strength that may have led me differently. A wounded bird needs time to heal and the right elements in order to heal, and so I thank all those who have been so willing to show love and consistency without question, even when they risked getting their hand bit.
Thank you Maryland. As I had west I wanted to write you this farewell letter, to remind myself just how much this tiny state played a role in my life. I know in my heart I was never meant to stay here forever, but I thought I would have had more time here with you. Thank you for guiding me towards those who were my lessons, who were my triggers, who were pure and innocently intentioned, and who provided a safe space as they willingly watered my growth. It is easy to fall into the lower vibrations of life, but it takes real self awareness and love to be beautiful towards someone else and without expectations.
Maryland, can’t you see? While you’ve created a scenic place throughout evolution and inhabit a tremendous amount of conscious animals, I will without a doubt miss the euphoria I feel when I expose myself in your presence. You’ve allowed me to bare myself naked amongst the limitless you are in partial of, and I’ve grown like a weed from the depths of the soil that has harbored and created life long before my physical body was molded into this world. We could have done more together, but I neglected you knowing that I should have become more intimate with you, but never really did. You provided me a safe place to learn my lessons and were very fruit bearing to my growth.
As my chapter comes to an end here, it’s hard to imagine myself without you and your gracious life experiences. Maryland, without your borders you’re a piece to a larger picture, much like the role you play in my life. It is here that I learned how to surrender, something I’m not used to doing in my codependency of my comfortability at times. Here, I learned that I’m greater than the comfortable lifestyle that I could have easily been sucked into. I’m greater than this and thanks to you I see it now. You were never meant to be my roots, but rather a stepping stone towards my greater purpose. You’ve watched me flourish in the depths of your challenges and I have shed the dead skin bound to my body.
Thank you for allowing me to meet incredible souls, both the connections I can take with me beyond here and the connections that I can’t take with me. This essence has allowed me to embrace change, challenges and all walks of connections. I can only reminisce deep into a memory of all the boundaries I’ve crossed without a bridge. The beauty of the different versions of you, reminded me of the different versions of myself. The city for the wild child within me that embraces my expressive freedom and the endless wooded mystery into the depths of your creation, which harbors the wanderer in me by providing multiple paths to walk in life. A fine balance between the restless upbeat soul and the adventurer within.
As I gazed into the night sky, the stars speckled themselves throughout the blanket of the universe and shimmered from the source of light. A reminder that although light-years apart from one another, they never lose their brilliance. They stand resilient up against the darkest depths of space, and that the only time you get to see that they exist, is by sun’s ability to penetrate through dark matter, as if to remind us all that no matter where you are, what you’re doing, who you connect with, that we are not alone, that we are seen, and that we are all a part of this massive phenomenon we just can’t fathom, together. I grew, because when I thought I had been tossed into the darkness and forgotten, it was the universe’s way of throwing me into the depths where not only would I be safe from this disposable world, but rather a rare gem in needing a special place on the shelf within the universe. A bright star, perhaps even the brightest star in all the universe, where the sun can’t wait to shine its light on me, just so it can see me shimmer, because my shimmer excites even its own existence.
We are all individual stars in the universe, even if the sun were to burn out, that each and every single one of us will always exist, even if we can’t be seen. The beauty of it is that the only empty space that’s true, is that of which harbors in our thoughts of our existence. I am not nothing and my worth is determined by my own self awareness, and therefore my consciousness reminds me I’m merely a fragment of what exists within me in this very moment of my life. I envy the growth I’ve endured and the challenges that triggered a necessary response, one in which I would retract and withdraw my presence from. Not this time, for my place here allowed me to fully embody my existence and purpose.
I’ll continue this path as I see the end near. When the time comes I’ll be ready to forge a new path into the unknown and sail uncharted waters. I carry with me the tools needed onto my new journey. I’ve sculpted such fine tools by creating something out of a little bit of everything I’ve overcome. I smile as I feel I’m being watched from behind, but I don’t turn back to look, no, I continue forward where my next journey awaits my arrival and where it has been quietly rooting for my appearance. “Well I’ll be damned, she’s coming after all.” Yes, the challenges thrown at me proved to be very tempting and distracting, but as I grew I realized I wanted to experience more and that I could overcome these obstacles set before me. Yes, obstacles are still presenting themselves and everyday is a new day to overcome them.
And yes, I know if I look back I may feel remorse for leaving, that maybe I’m turning my back somehow. But, I know if I stay it’ll be for all the wrong reasons that aren’t aligned with my spiritual growth and life experience of being human. How would I move on? Maryland was so kind to show me that this place just isn’t for me, that it’s for those who enjoy roller coasters where the tracks come back around, over and over again. Everyone enjoys this life, but once on it, it’s impossible to get off. Maryland knew I would grow bored, for my restless soul is always seeking. I would wilt if I stayed. My life would have turned into a competitive Sims game, where we all do the exact same things, but differently.
In times of hesitation I wondered, “but what if?” It’s the very same thought I already knew the answer to, but questioned its authenticity anyway. What if? What if I do, but what if I don’t? With my deepest sincerity, I want to transcend, not worry, wonder, or become stagnant and comfortable.
Just know, I will not forget you. As I spread and expand my ethereals, the fiber-like frequencies in another parallel are calling for me to quantum jump to. I am finally strong enough to answer that call and to make that jump. I’m not afraid anymore, because these snippets of accomplishments have expanded my superhuman-like abilities and for once I finally feel freed from the burdens of the ego’s journey.
Before my final farewell, I have this quote for you, “The sounds of the rain, needs no translation.” -Alan Watts. Much like my love language, some things are better felt and heard than said, to fully embody the intuitive experience, which is our most powerful tool of them all…
Thank you, with all my heart. It has been my biggest pleasure getting to experience your grace and all your glory. May you all find the same strength to beat to your own drum, and maybe one day we’ll cross paths again…
Until next time, Maryland…
©️ 2022 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved. This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate or use its authenticity in any way.
Life with MissRiva 
Leave a Reply