Lost Without You…

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Songs to listen to:

“Lost Without You,” by Freya Ridings│“Carry You,” by Ruelle │“Wicked Game,” by Ursine Vulpine │“I Found,” Amber Run │“Where’s My Love,” SYML │“Surrender,” by Natalie Taylor │ “So High,” by Ghost Loft & MrSuicideSheep

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Every day that passes, I learn to accept that you’ll never be mine. Am I selfish to think that we could have been great together? Is it selfish of me to wish for you to be mine? I can’t help but to become jealous of the idea that you belong to someone else, and so I suppress my irrational reasoning as to why I would be a better choice for you.

If I’m being honest, I’ve been actively withdrawing my presence from you and it has completely shifted my energetic field. I’m functioning and reaching new heights everyday, but I collapse at the reminder of you and never getting the chance to be yours. They say the universe works in mysterious ways, but I can’t fathom why it hurts so bad. My thoughts are becoming less and less, but with every emotional attachment It feels like a breakup on a spiritual level. 

You’ve pulled away, because I’ve embarrassed you. I feel embarrassed about it. I feel defeated. I can’t help but feel you withdrew, because you were appalled by me, so I hid. I hid to run from the shame I would feel if I saw you again. I was reluctant to share my interest with you, but now more than ever I wish I could take it back. I wish I could see you and proceed with small talk. My shyness around you makes things unusually awkward for me and I’m unable to cope with my feelings, because feeling always makes me uncomfortable all together. You see, I’ve been damaged, but you’ve challenged that trigger, something I haven’t endured THIS intensely for as long as I can remember.

Truth is, I’m lost without your presence. You seem so unbothered by absence and irritated with my presence. I’ve never felt more child-like until now, where all I wanted to do was break down and cry, because at least crying helps me to release this emotional energy, and so I’m able to breathe and function for a little while longer. I’m not sure why YOU though. Why YOU, out of every single human on this Earth that I exist with?

There are days I wonder why I’m still here, because nothing makes sense after carelessly connecting with you. Everything doesn’t feel real. Am I stuck in a simulation? Are you real? Is any of this real? Why do I feel so small and inadequate when you’re not around? Am I insecure? Am I not pretty enough? Compatible enough? Young enough? Why do I suddenly feel like I’m not good enough for you and no longer worthy of your friendship? Have you written me off completely? Why do I feel so devastated and that you have no care or interest to care?

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I’m lost. I kick the dirt as I keep moving forward and every day I just hope that I feel better than I did yesterday. Maybe I need to learn to be grateful for having ever had the honor to have known you. I know the universe surely wanted me to learn a great lesson and I pondered endlessly as to what that might be. Maybe, it would be the strength to tell you that I was interested, where I’ve spent my life not feeling love and afraid to express my feelings and interests. Overcoming my fears were challenged by you, even though you were ultimately disgusted that I was interested in you. I’m finding the reasons for this battle that is continuous. There are so many lessons, I can’t pick just one.

Everyday I found myself questioning my value and worth. I know I’m priceless, worthy and valuable, but I’ve come to realize it’s just not me that’s worthy of you, and if I’m being honest it really hurts. There’s not much in the world I truly want, nothing material. I’m simple and only truly want to connect with someone who without a doubt deserves every part of my wild and exaggerated ability to love. I’ve been emotionally imbalanced ever since I expressively and nonchalantly let you know I’m interested, and it has taken a toll on me since.

While I was living in my euphoric moment while living every moment in hopes to see you again and scripted conversations I would have with you in my head, I always ran a blank in your presence. Childish, I felt like a school kid. Perhaps my inability to hold a conversation shook your idea of me as quite immature and finicky. I remorse over my “what if’s” and what I could have done better, but there just wasn’t enough time in a day to see or speak to you. As if there was a block from an unknown source, I could never work up the courage to get to know you on a deeper level or felt I had the authority to do so, since I respectively couldn’t be the reason to intervene with a situation you are in.

Will you forgive my shy and elaborate behavior? Will you forgive me for trying to express an internal feeling to you that made you inevitably feel uncomfortable? Will you forgive me for dreaming of a life with you that I would never be given the chance to endure? I don’t know how to pinpoint my faults, but I agonize over never getting to speak to you again. My heart seems empty and incapable of feeling this level of intensity with anyone else and I’m saddened that it can’t be with you and will not be with anyone else. I can fill the void with someone else, I can pretend with someone else, but in all this passing time, there is just no one else,  because I can’t stop thinking about you. I feel robbed of my innocence, something I have no control over and robbed of something I feel so strongly about, but can’t fathom why you and why to this intensity.

I lay aimlessly at night pondering what it would be like to wake up to you every single morning. A vision created within the depths of my imagination. I cannot express enough to you how much it brings me pain to know I am the cause for your disgusted look and distance from me. I’m mortified and embarrassed. I wish I could have just carried on, perhaps pretending not to know you weren’t available or made a mention of your unavailability, but what kind of person would I be? A home wrecker? Desperate? Living a life of a lie or perhaps knowing I’m a second choice should have been enough for me to realize I deserve certainty and that I should retreat, but I couldn’t always keep my excitement or composure when you would come around.

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You became my greatest lesson. I had to learn and dissect every encounter, behavior and emotion. Before I even understood what was going on, I realized I fancied you beyond knowing if you were available. I fancied you first, before I realized you weren’t available. I hope you can imagine how much this crushed me. Everything caved in my world. What brought me joy and life, in an instant just disintegrated before my eyes. I collapsed to the floor, trying to gather the ashes of the facade I had been living in for so long. As if in a day dream and suddenly you wake up in the harsh reality. I was instantly numb. I would be lying if I didn’t think for a moment that maybe you were unhappy in your situation and even wished for another moment that maybe you really were, and that maybe I could revive your life and be the one for you.

How could one person energetically make you feel so special, yet the vibrations don’t match? What felt like an intense connection driven into the vast parts of this parallel universe, shook me as I collided head on with reality. It truly broke my spirit and I’ve spent a very long time picking up the pieces and questioning the authenticity of a human connection. I was robbed of my emotions, my space, my time, my dreams and even my thoughts. How could I have been so foolish? Was I really that blind? Were all the signs there and I chose to ignore them? Is it me? Am I the selfish one? Did I rob you of something? I wish I had the courage to confront you. My ego craves closure or knowing. I’m trying to understand what I did to deserve such a coldness I was certain you weren’t even capable of presenting. I wish I knew.

I haven’t been or felt the same since our last interaction. I try my best to avoid you, so that I can safeguard my feelings from getting hurt. Half of me that gets to accidentally see you, bursts into excitement, but then I have to quickly jump off cloud nine and water down the spark to remind myself of how foolish I am. They say no human should make you ever feel unloved, uncared for or doesn’t bring peace and solitude to your life and space, regardless of status, but I can’t help to feel you are doing everything in your power to think of me as someone beneath you and unworthy of your friendship. 

I even went as far as creating negative thoughts about you to help me move on from you. I created these ideas of how terrible of a person you were, are and ended up becoming. I was trying to do anything I could to forget you. I exaggerated every viewpoint I could create about you and at one point I was actually convinced, but it was only for a short time, as my energetic state of existence is different from my physical being, my ego. All the thoughts I started to think about you, I soon realized I was acting out in fear and trying to safeguard myself, while projecting my very own fear onto you and seeing it within you when it was really me. I created this version of you that only existed because I created it. The mind is a powerful tool, but if you feed it the wrong food it can ultimately deceive you and the entire dynamic can change in a flip of a switch. 

This was me, guilty. I had completely allowed myself to experience and even live every moment of these negative thoughts about you, when in reality it was affecting me and my very own life. I had portrayed myself, after all the beauty that was being offered to me, I turned it into something I didn’t even know I was energetically capable of doing. I fell to my very own demise. An energetic light being as I see myself, had a spiritual relapse in a high case of vulnerability. I merely rejected myself through you…

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Truthfully, there are times I see a vehicle just like yours, see someone that looks similar to you, see certain numbers that remind me of you and hear certain songs that made me envision you, and I would smile, because I experienced more beautiful and euphoric times in your presence than the now lingering pain I feel in the after effects. You helped me regain and relight my life again. You gave me a sense of purpose, but more like repurpose and I am evidently working on being more grateful for such purity outside of this ego state of living. You are no mistake, you are a gift.

I don’t know what would have become of our friendship, but even with hoping it would have flourished into something incredibly beautiful and intense, I will go on in life having met someone who reminded me that life is full of wonders, way beyond what we are capable of imagining and feeling in this universe. Not everything has to be understood, dissected, nor do laws have to be followed, because we are organic matters of free will. We are the product of a universal phenomena. We are a rare experience and one of its kind. 

Although you’re not mine and some days I still wish you could be, that there is this emptiness within my chest where you inevitably took up space and tore out when you abandoned this energetic bond all together. For the sake of your situation I made a conscious choice to not pursue something I knew nothing about and thought that maybe the universe orchestrated this interaction for a great awakening. I can only be grateful for what I’ve endured, but I sure hope that my mind will continue to ease as I chip myself away from molding my emotional being into your existence.

I hold our brief interactions of smiles to one another and small talk near and dear to my thoughts, because although I shouldn’t hold onto you, it reminds me of such beauty within something so unpredictable. I can rejoice for a burst of energy and inspiration, a hope and a wonder. I can relive moments and replay them until they at some point  become harder to remember as time passes. Maybe, if you were available, that entire situation would have played out differently. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a fantasy or facade. Perhaps we could have engulfed ourselves into one another and energetically left earth. I may never know, but what I experienced while you were in my life was certainly without a doubt beautiful. Short lived, but energetically lucid and I wouldn’t have changed it for anything.

You may never love me like I’ve come to love you, but I will die knowing that the universe allowed me to experience godly wonders within the inner weeds of this parallel experience in such a profound and sensational way, and with you. It felt euphoric and authentic for me, even if you never made that connection, but just know you had an impact in my life in such a unique way, that I am truly grateful for in every way. Beautiful as it was painful in a beautiful way, there’s nothing I regret meeting you and I have the universe to thank, even when I’ve cried endlessly on my bathroom floor in a fetal position in what felt like my darkest days of the dark knight of soul, played over and over again. I pondered as to why I had to experience this rare beauty, all for it to be stripped away from me.

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I miss you… I miss the illuminating feeling I feel when I get to see you. My blood rushes through my body and I feel a sense of euphoric bliss. My mind goes absolutely insane when you’re around. My imagination goes wild and thoughts of you engulf my brain matter. Your presence is comforting and warm, someone I dream about holding as our energetic forces collide and exchange between all the frequencies that exist between our closed space. I envision holding your hand and feeling the tickling sensation shoot through my arms and straight into my heart, making it flutter with pure joy. My smile would always be bright and vibrate, because with you I envision happiness and wholeness. Never a dull moment, I know I would lose myself in you as I surrender to your energetic force tearing down these walls I’ve been so adamant to keep up.

For awhile, I haven’t imagined my life without you. It’s unbearable to think that you aren’t in it in some way, shape or form. Love comes in so many phenomenons, but what you do to me is unexplainable and unfathomable. It’s different than anyone else and I cannot give this connection up completely. My pull is far too strong to ignore. I’ll always love you in ways you’ll never ever know, and I’ll never ever be able to explain it to you in my lifetime. Why can’t we just be with one another? Why can’t I just let you go? Why do I feel like you’re always a part of me? Why must you be in my thoughts daily if we were not meant to be? I feel like I’ve gone absolutely mad and with every passing day without you, I feel like I’m wilting  inside. I feel sick… 

I do everything I can to heal and close the door to this connection, but as if I’m stuck in a time loop, I am reminded of you. Some days I feel like I have my emotions under control and that I’m finally healing, but as if out of nowhere a bus came crashing into me, that’s how I feel when you come to my mind again. It hurts, because I want you and I can’t have you. In a world full of uncertainty and chaos, I just want to engulf my divine love deep into the essence of your soul.

Perhaps we were past lovers or friends. Perhaps we are lovers in another dimension and in another parallel universe. Perhaps we had something at some point in this energetic phenomenon that exists around us. Perhaps I’ve gone mad and am experiencing a sudden emotional and spiritual collapse and everything is in my head or this is just a dream. Perhaps there is something or simply  nothing at all. Perhaps I’ll awaken from this maddening dream and my life will go on as if I hadn’t met you at all, just to ease my restless mind.

I may be lost without you, but it’s because I allowed you in my space and so I became lost within you. I want to love you so hard, I’m restless about it. I know I could do it better than anyone you’ve ever encountered before, because LOVE is the only language worth speaking to me. As the earth evolves and is in continuation of moving forward, I can look back as far as my memory bank will allow me to and picture your kind smile, the one I remember before I inevitably chased you away. To see you smile again, I would do anything for.

As I shift into a new reality without you in it, I painfully endure a defeated encounter and rebirth of a purpose meant to be re-found. I scream endlessly in my head as I smile and laugh through the pain I truthfully feel inside. Like a host for a parasite, I’ve been infected. I will always love you like no other before you and no other there after you. I am emotionally unavailable to others, as the space has permanently been occupied by your energetic presence that has been adamant about staying. When I see you, you’ll always receive my love, but as I rebuild these walls much taller and stronger for my own protection, I may always try to peer over them with time in hopes to see you coming through the sunset back to me, and then I’ll no longer be lost without you… 

©️ 2022 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved. This is my hard work. Please do not steal, copy, recreate, manipulate or use it’s authenticity in any way.