The moment my eyes landed on you, I just wasn’t interested. You seemed cocky, egotistical, overly confident, rude and miserable. I thought to myself, “Stay away from this person, their energy is bad.” I would still smile and try to brighten your day, but I always want to bring light into people’s lives without obligations. You hurt, I saw it and I felt it, but you’re closed off.
I was given direct orders from the universe to allow you in my space in a way that was different from how I allow others into my space and quite frankly I objected. Confused and against it there was just nothing I could physically do to resist these orders. I never asked to fancy you in any way, I really did not want to, but the divine had other plans.
I grew to admire you and with every passing day I felt that I was given the power to allow you into my space. For one, I never want anyone in my space, because I’ve never had anyone truly appreciate my presence, so being driven to share a space with someone I just had no interest in made me feel outside my very own self.
The Divine wanted me to trust them, but it was something I stayed skeptical of. “Really? Out of everyone, this person?” I kept on asking. In a way I felt betrayed. What part of not interested did they not get? Don’t I get to choose? Being chosen for different journeys had proven to be challenging, but what was in it for me? I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to give my attention away. I don’t want to fancy anyone, but in an instant that all changed.
We never really have full control of our life. We think we do. We believe in freewill, but we all know deep down inside freewill has its limitations too. My freewill was ripped away from me and I was given a mission that I wasn’t prepared for what so ever. I knew I would fail. There was just no way this was going to work. I just didn’t want it to work and it frustrated me that in an instant and against my will, the divine made me play this role.
I didn’t like you. Not in the least bit. Your energy was bad and wreaked bad decisions. I had my work cut out for me, but if I’m being honest I always kept one foot out. I couldn’t control the amount of feelings that grew inside each and everyday I saw you. Frustrated to even have to feel them at all I battled every single day asking the divine WHY? Why, though?
I was inevitably bombarded with Synchronicities left and right every day. You bombarded my dreams at night and bombarded my reality during the day. I didn’t want you. I didn’t like you. You weren’t attractive to me. You seemed to be an awful person that I never wanted to associate my spiritual innocents with. Parts of me believed you would only hurt me.
I tried cord cutting, I tried rituals, I tried everything under the sun to eradicate you from my life forever, but it always came back worse, the feelings grew stronger, but still I stood to resist you. I could tell you weren’t in your happy place in your marriage and you shared things with me in my dreams I wish you hadn’t and made my journey even more confusing and challenging. I begged the universe everyday to reverse the spell it had cast upon me to feel anything towards you. I felt repulsed. I began to ask myself what was wrong with me?
I tried to keep conversations short and not obvious that I was developing uncomfortable but intimate feelings towards you. You seemed like the type that would use me to make yourself feel good and discard me when something new came along. I had all these thoughts about you I couldn’t control and I was all over the place. I started to accept my fate and go along with it for the sake of the end goal, whatever that be, an end would be great.
I drowned in visions of you as if I had known you my entire life and other lives. I couldn’t even focus on other people, because at some point they just weren’t YOU. I dreaded waking up and seeing you and dreaded going to sleep at night, because I’d see you. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” as I spent my quiet times sobbing, just wanting it to end. What was the point? What was the point of truly falling for someone who wasn’t available and who wasn’t interested? Was I even desirable to this person? I just didn’t want to know.
“PLEASE! Get out of my head! Get out of my LIFE! I didn’t ask for you and I don’t want YOU!” as I screamed and pouted nearly everyday. But, everyday the feelings became stronger and got to a point of utter confusion. I want someone I don’t want, I like someone I don’t like, what are the odds? I knew it was the work of the universe, because I did not care for you in a way that I grew to become. I never felt more crazy in my life until this very wakeup call.
I kept getting signs after signs about you. My life ran into itself. It was like a loop in the system, playing over and over again like groundhogs day. I couldn’t resist you with every passing day, but I relentlessly tried. Just as I had finally started to accept my fate, things just became more intensified. I grew nervous and anxious when around you. I was always taught that when we experience nervousness around someone that it wasn’t a good sign, that we should RUN. These people who make us nervous, make us anxious and give us chills are not people of good energy with good intentions and I experienced all of these when you came around, because the dynamic changed like the seasons.
Parts of me did start to look forward to seeing you. The more I opened up, the more I engaged in a conversation with you, even though I always kept it short. I was still convinced I just can’t ever let you in, even if you weren’t interested, I wasn’t willing to take the chance. I did start to fancy you the more I conversed with you. I was hoping if I played along longer, that I could be set free from this rare phenomenon. I tried to convince myself that whatever this was, wasn’t going to win.
My stubborn walls would soon prove to have a weak spot in them and they eventually started to cave in. Every day I got to see you was delightful. Your smile became brighter, your shoulders became more relaxed, your eyes sparkled and your energy became euphoric. I believe with every encounter I gave you a piece of me, a piece of my energy, my life and wanted nothing but peace, love and happiness for you. I started to adore the person I started to see. I didn’t want to, but I eventually couldn’t help it.
I became the unknown middleman of someone else’s life. A stepping stone for your journey. I knew the universe needed someone strong enough to resist you, but awaken you enough to see your new journey and see your purpose. I began to want you for myself. I began to love you, but I knew it was wrong. I fought with myself and fought with the universe, “Please, set me free. Let this be someone else’s destiny.” I would hope, pray and wish for the universe to stop me from enduring anymore of this. Half of me was in and half always out. I figured by my unsure energy and projection, you thought I was crazy, because you’re right, at least I started to feel that way given the circumstances.
Time stood still and yet nothing really seemed to go anywhere. Not anywhere I really wanted anyway, but did I really ever want it? I craved for something and begged the universe to send me someone who’s capable of loving me the way I’ve always dreamed of being loved. I’m not sure if the universe was trying to answer a prayer of mine or a prayer of yours, but I accepted that all of this may be temporary and not necessarily for either of us, but rather the experience and growth needed of both of us. We play puppets in each other’s lives with no real meaning to each other. I would like to think that you got what you’ve asked for in a way.
I began to think the world of you. I looked forward to seeing you everyday and even though conversations were short and sweet, I still enjoyed your presence coming around. You had this new light about you and you radiated. I would smile at the fact of the person I first saw vs the person that stood before me. I may not be your muse, but it’s only because my love needs true authenticity and no human is worthy of something they cannot understand and cannot fully accept into their lives. I could have loved you so deeply, but I’m not allowed to in this life, I’m just the middleman and it’s been painful, but also rewarding because I had gotten to see you in a different light.
The universe fooled me for a long time. I thought it was me all along. I thought we were the end goal. I thought after time and patience something would give, but I find the journey to be agonizing. Day by day my energy became drained. I would spend days and weeks away from you just to replenish it, but why was this happening? Everything seemed so euphoric for a while, but there was a slow change happening, an energy reroute.
I didn’t give you enough of me and I fault myself. You could have used more, because you needed something you were missing in a way you wouldn’t be able to obtain from anyone else. I had everything you needed, but I couldn’t seem to give up more. I held on tight with all my might. You couldn’t budge, you needed more and I just couldn’t allow myself to trust the process enough.
I loved you in a way that not even I agreed with. I couldn’t help myself and I certainly never asked for it to happen, but it did for reasons that cannot be explained. I felt mortified and embarrassed, but still I pressed on trying to communicate with you even when it started to make me physically ill.
I would soon realize that my time with you was finally over. A new face would enter your life and pick up the pieces of your lost soul that I was reluctant to waste my time on doing. I believe I always knew the outcome and knew I’d fall short with you and maybe that’s why I kept one foot out. This person swooped in like an owl after a field mouse. Their innocence portrayed as someone with good intentions, but their bad energy spoke volumes I could see right through. They captured your attention. It was easier, wasn’t it? You barely had to lift a finger. You barely had to say a word or do much work and it all just fell into place just as it should, and it was then your energy shifted.
Life will always offer you things in two’s. One is a temptation offering from the negative parts of the universe and the other is a positive offer from positive energy. Both positive and negative energy compete with one another, but the difference is that the negative energy makes an offer you can’t refuse and you can’t resist. It knows what you want and orchestrates a plan to keep you providing negative energy. These offerings have negative outcomes, like getting you to cheat, lie, gaslight, hurt someone or do something or anything that has a negative effect and outcome. When we are lost in these offerings, we believe we are happy and the temptation is worth the reward. It’s easier to accept the things we don’t have to put much energy into and believe it is of the highest good, but deep down we know it’s wrong.
The after effect is large. Once the negative offering has happened, that decision has a rippling effect to many more negative events to occur in your life to keep you down below the vibrational belt. Once down here, you’ll inevitably drown and keep going downward or maybe you’ll be lucky to ride out on a frequency for a while. Things will be just out of your reach. The temptation is appetizing, I know. It’ll be so good you can’t control yourself, you can’t control the urge and you’ll collapse in need of anything temporary as long as you can feel something or experience what you believe to be joy.
I can see it all. The energy has soured. The beautiful euphoric ora you had for awhile slowly started to diminish and you slowly became a team player for that negative energy force that’s been waiting for your wrong decisions. I could feel the gossip. I could feel the air become tense. I could feel the shift in energy. I could feel the eye wanders and snare remarks through messages. I could feel that when the energies mixed it was as if I became the bad guy, so I withdrew completely. I couldn’t sustain a battle I never signed up for and nor was I prepared. I cannot feed bad energy, nor can I allow it to consume me. I don’t want to be sucked into the same place you’re headed, I’ve been there before and it’s a scary place and a place that one can easily get lost in and have a hard time deciphering what’s real and what’s not.
“I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make it drink.” -Unknown. There are times in my life that not even I’m strong enough to endure, but not because I don’t want to, but because my energy I use to keep you lifted starts to deteriorate over time and you become too heavy for me to carry. It’s not that you aren’t worthy of it or worthy in general, but I started to lose myself in you. The person I am today came with many great sacrifices and often learning from what we can’t have is the key to what we can have. I cherished so much of your presence. Truly. I fault myself for not continuing, but I’d like to think I played some sort of inspiring role in your life and if you find it in other places, then I’m happy you had the courage to try new things, I do hope it’s of truth and authenticity and it beats to a tune that will contribute to your growth and happiness in life.
I do remain speechless for the outcome and I’m sorry if my uncomfortableness around you grew, but when I realized I was allowing this new bad energy to control my emotions, I completely surrendered and sent it all back into the universe for repair and an intense spa day. I’ve seen what you are capable of, I’m just sorry I couldn’t keep fueling your light. You are a rare phenomenon and if you can resist temptation you can achieve a divine greatness you have no idea is within you.
When I handed everything about you back to the divine, I did hesitate. I knew once I gave you back to the universe that I would be trading it all in for a reset button. It would be as if none of it occurred at all. I would be set free, my fondest dreams and memories wiped clean and my interests in you will finally no longer exist. It was going to be the end of a long road I’ve walked on, trying to not try at all. I sighed and I cried, but I handed you over with shaky hands and let you go, for good. When I turned away, I wondered, “will I ever wonder again?” But, the power of letting go gave me instant results and my wondering hardly existed.
You no longer occupy my head space. You no longer fill my thoughts limitlessly throughout the day. You no longer appear in my dreams. You no longer cross my mind and when you do slip through the cracks, I lay it to rest immediately. You are not what I wanted after all, but merely an example of what I don’t want. It’s not you, my lessons taught me that I could love a love so great, that even only I can feel it. I grew and although the shift happened, you added to my growth in ways I could never thank you enough for. You taught me vibes and energy can be felt, and can change and still play a role in one’s emotional and intimate life without obligations.
I’m without a doubt grateful for the human experience I was able to be a part of and how much space you allowed me into. It may not seem like much, but my journey is now a humble one. I cannot fault you for your life decisions, nor do I want to shoot you down and anchor you into submission, the universe simply has another plan and I’ve fully accepted that now. As I grew into this experience, I was reminded to be present and to accept the things I cannot change. I became tied up in what could have been, instead of embracing what is.
You were a beautiful phenomenon and any human on this earth that can see your internal light being will feel embraced by your presence. You have the power to positively change someone’s life in ways that can ultimately be unharmed by your current energetic frequency. As those hectic days turned into proactive actions for myself, I continue to envy the energetic field we so shortly shared. While this entire experience has ultimately left me speechless, I have inevitably found my voice while rediscovering my purpose.
Thank you for an unusual journey. I have taken a new path in life where I will no longer see you at some point of it, but until the last day occurs, you’ll always hold a special place in my life and I’ll always remember you as the life changing phenomenon that fueled my loving and energetic frequency.
Take care my friend, may the universe have your best interests and guide you onto a path of positive self discovery, light and love. Until next time…
©️ 2022 Riva Gijanto. All Rights Reserved.
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