I will never forget the day that awakened my slumber. A moment of truth swept me quite literally off my feet. I didn’t see it coming, not ever. The ringing in my ears overcame my thoughts of utter disbelief and I just stood there, completely outside my body just then. The aggravating noise was just as loud as it seemed to be muffled.
I peered off into the distance as I felt my body invert as if my outsides became my insides. The noise ran rapidly into my ear canals, through the essence of my brain and shot through every last nerve within my body. It was that exact moment I realized for the first time I felt as though I was a nobody.
My inner child clenched onto my soul, fearful it would be sucked out and leave my body lifeless right there on the floor. I internally collapsed in defeat. I waved the white flag over and over again, hoping it would be seen. Hoping everything would come to an end and there would be a reconciliation, but no. My inner child was aggressively grabbed and shoved out into the darkness that engulfed my surroundings, exposing what was left of my innocents.
It was that very moment that as everything came back into focus, it was clear to me that the signs had always been there, I had just chosen to turn away and pretend everything was OK. The truth was, I was not OK. I was confused, hurt, sad, angry at myself and beyond my limits of exhaustion.
I gave him everything. I gave him me, I gave him my life, my passions and my very own identity. I left behind what made me, to be what he wanted me to be, to be his version of me. Why? My childhood trauma led me to believe that this treatment was normal, but in this moment I knew that this couldn’t be, that there must be more to this story.
Just then, the sound pierced my ears as he yelled at me with every insecurity he’s ever endured and emotionally placed me to blame, and it was then that I snapped back. The emotional ammo fired to and from and before I knew it every old wound had been ripped open and exposed as if they had never been healed before. The pain sheared my soul and left me bare amongst the universe to see. I stood there restless as I tried to shield my wounds.
The screaming was so demonically induced, that I feared a negative entity had possessed his soul. Rage flared as he reasoned his concerns that he fell victim to. The voices in his mind that have been egging him on grew so loud, he combusted. His eyes overcame with pain and suffering, as he widened his eyes with every point he had to make.
No matter what I said, he rebuttaled. If it wasn’t “I’m sorry,” nothing was an exception to what he was looking for. He was driven to beat me down and prove me wrong with what I had done. Spit disbursed with every loud word that he launched at me. The veins in his neck protruded as his voice belted out as though he was a drill sergeant in the U.S Army and I was a private.
But, what was it I did that deserved such a negative reaction? What was it that had set him off into a rage and created an all out war with me? What was it? It’s quite simple, I had visited a friend of the opposite sex, so that he could give me something he was going to donate, but I was interested in it so I ran over to at retrieve it. I decided to do this very last second, right after I had left an emotionally uplifting workout. I hadn’t realized that this would ultimately allow what little power I had left to come forth and defend myself from being emotionally abused.
He was overwhelmed by his madness for something so simple and unworthy of a fight. Emotionally disconnecting with every passing second, I felt as though I was being pulled away as whatever was trying to protect me, jolted my soul away from the shots being fired. This force had embodied me and stood my ground. It shielded what was left of me. I could envision an energetic Warrior from amongst the galaxy with her back turned towards the shots. Her intense eye contact assured me that she was determined to win this fight. Her glow illuminated all around her and it was as if she was on fire. Her arms were out as she towered over me like a magnificent creature from another dimension. Her massive wings spanned wall to wall. She was empowering and I envied to be such a confident, beautiful and divine Goddess of her stature.
In just that moment she turned around to face the darkness and stepped back into me as I stepped forward into my empowerment. I raised my voice and defended my innocence, the small child inside that had been abused and neglected her entire life. I was bewildered with my new power. I arose to an event orchestrated by the dark energy force themselves and riddled just so, that they could manipulate me into the perpetrator. I was not the victim to someone who’s being held captive by such a dark entity that thrives on stripping the innocence of their light and using it to power their rage.
The child felt safe as the Goddess within me shielded it from the blows and encouraged the child to overcome the fears that were deeply ingrained within the mind of a victim. The child was able to see her strength within all the light shining down into her, showing her with warmth, security and comfort.
As this dark energy drove relentlessly into this protective shield that has been trying to protect me all this time and kept me blinded. The child within me cried in fear, sadness and defeat, but no, the child cried a kind of cry of having found that she had existed after all. She watched in astonishment as the bigger, stronger Goddess version of herself, was impenetrable and unstoppable, a force not to be reckoned with. She did not yield for challenges, she faced them head on and showed her level of stature within the universe, for the dark forces knew they stood no chance up against such a divine creature.
The inner child knew she was protected, that there was nothing on the outside to fear, because it wasn’t what was, it’s what was inside all along that defined the outcome of those who would fall short to the dark forces. As the inner child, my body and my higher self unified in this war, the collision of the light and the darkness shattered thoughts of unworthiness and fear. I arose from the ashes where I was relentlessly burned over and over again, and together we stood.
“I’m done.” I said beneath tears of defeat, but yet with freedom. “There will be no more of this.” I said behind my gritted teeth, not wanting to give any parts of me away to a man who disrespected my individual soul and sought fights, because of the lack of security he had, his wounded child was the driving force for lack of confidence, trust and security in someone who was never allowed to be herself and reminded to play by his rules.
I told him I was done. In that moment I knew I was destined for someone who wouldn’t use me as their own punching bag when issues arose within themselves. I had been a punching bag my whole life, trying to obey orders for far too long. This moment made me realize how amazing I truly am. My wrongs are not wrongs, but merely reflections of those who have wronged themselves and blame others when faced with a mirror. I was destined for a healthy and trustworthy relationship and it wasn’t until this very encounter that I realized I deserved better.
Then, the war was over. There was nothing else he could say, because I was no longer listening. I had officially checked out. I saw the light and he was no longer sucking it out of me. The darkness within him retracted with its tail between its legs. It knew it had pushed too far, causing a catapult scenario. I knew it would eventually find a new host or go dormant long enough to push buttons slowly again, but I knew that I was no longer going to be the victim or a host.
I am amazing and one day someone is going to appreciate every bit of me that I’ve held back my whole life. Something so simple became the trigger for a moment for me to awaken from. The vail had been removed and all my abusers were exposed. My life shifted into another direction, like a rubik’s cube. One by one my friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances were exposed of their dark forces and I could no longer look past their masks. I saw them as they are.
I distanced myself from the energy succubus and light dimmers. I knew I had become a lot more important to me, for me. I’m worth more. I’m worth more to myself than my own life. I am all the wonderful parts that make up the universe. No one would ever be allowed to physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually abuse and use me ever again. I’m worth all the light, love and peace within the depths of the galaxies.
As I stared into the mirror, I saw my inner child holding her blanket, standing before me in blue feety pajamas. Her hair was tangled in knots and her eyes and brows were squinted with sadness and uncertainty, wondering if she was truly being accepted with the love that was shown during the battle. She looked back at me and our eyes intensely connected. I reached out for her, hoping to gain her trust that I will never abandon her or neglect her like the others have. Discovering her within me all this time brought me to tears. It was never I that was sad and fearful in this world, but rather this innocent wounded child that still resided within me all this time.
Her eyes widened as she saw my hand reach for her. She clenched onto her blankey with uncertainty, but I had all the time in the world to wait for her to gain her trust. Patience is unfamiliar, but in this very moment I realized just how patient I was going to need to be to my inner child and that it was going to be a long road to gain her trust again as this day forward we were starting a new life.
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